Crystal Blue Love

3

The car ride to the hotel was unnerving. It was so hard to take my mind off Logan, and how long it had been since I'd seen him and his beautiful smile that made me want to collapse on the spot. Thinking of him brought back all the times we'd spent together doing weird things like looking up dumb videos, or me reading his poetry that he hated but I thought was gorgeous.

I think of all of him as gorgeous. His mind, and knowingness alone made me pass out. Back when we were younger, the second year of high school I recall. He told me that he thought all people were beautiful, and that there was a beauty in everything around us. That alone was the reason I fell in love with him. Don't get me started on his physique.

I never liked thinking of him in that way. It made me feel guilty, like I was sinning, wanting something I couldn't have. Ever. I felt like he was always off limits, like your best friend's ex boyfriend or girlfriend, or touching a black girl's hair. It was just a big fat "no."

I had to focus. I was walking for CHANEL tomorrow, and could not let anyone down. This was the show of the year and if I tripped, or fell...

Relax, that won't happen.

But what if it does?

Well shit, now I was thinking about tripping on stage in front of all those eyes watching me.

Ugh.

I was thinking about how I'd probably be fine when Joan turns to face me in the limo. I thought that taking a limo to a hotel with merely two people in it was slightly extravagant, and mostly unnecessary, but Joan thought it was needed. For us to be known when showing up to the event. Like the whole reason for our existence was to be seen, to let everyone know that we were supreme.  

"So. Here are the details," she says with a smile on her face that slightly made me envious of her calmness and obliviousness. I think too much is my problem. I am, and always have been, too aware of everything around me. Boys, Logan, the way people eyed my length as a walked into a room.
God I hated that.

I nodded my head while Joan's lips moved, but nothing came out as I was not really listening.

"Got it?" she questions with an expectant look that reaches her forehead, creating lines that resembled ones of notebook paper. She says this with slight glimmer of worry, "I hope it wasn't too much at one time."

"Got it."

She nods in satisfaction and turns to face the window.

"Um. Hey, Joan?" I say hesitantly.

"Yeah?" she turns back and looks at me, confused.

"Can you repeat all of that?" I laugh covering my mouth in embarrassment. Sometimes I wonder if Joan ever gets tired of me. I sure would, I mean really. I wasn't even listening to anything she just said.

Joan shakes her head with her eyes closed, and her hand slapping her forehead. Her laughter relaxes me, and makes me feel like I wasn't in as much trouble as I had thought.

"Sure Mak. Sure."

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I stand. 

Looking myself in the mirror. 

Trying to convince myself that maybe me being reunited with the boy I've been in love with for six years, and who barely even noticed, and who happened to be my best friend, would be okay. But I found it extremely difficult.