Killing The Past

16.

    Days passed, and however hard Tarja tried not to think about Tuomas, it was not working. Words couldn't describe how much she missed him. In these two weeks that they had spent together, she was beyond happy. She felt safe, loved and happy with her friends and her boyfriend, and now it was all gone. Missing Tuomas caused Tarja physical and mental pain, so strong, that it was almost unbearable, still she managed to live with it. Days passed and her life was going nowhere.

To say that Tuomas was in the same situation, would be an underestimation of his state. Being an emotional man, inclined to melancholy and sadness, he experienced everything more deeply and every little thing tended to hurt him. Yet, world wasn't going to stop just because he was heartbroken, the band still had tour to finish and gigs to play. His bandmates tried to cheer him up as much as possible, but nothing helped. Tuomas looked as if he was merely existing, as if his body functioned without soul. He started to drink more than he used to, and the amounts of alcohol he consumed began to have their influence on his appearance. Even music couldn't help anymore, only during The Poet And The Pendulum he would seem more alive as usual, dull fire lit up his eyes and pain was clearly visible.

Only once, Marco openly told his friend his opinion, but had to flee after a fit of rage followed his words. It was during one of those nights, when Tuomas had drank so much that he was on the verge of passing out. The furious bass guitarist burst into Tuomas' room, demanding that somebody would tell him when all of this was going to end. "This has to stop, Tuomas!" "She-hic- is gone..." The keyboarder muttered, swaying from side to side. "You left her, idiot." Marco gave back. "She's gone." Tuomas repeated dumbly. "Enough of this sorrow, just forget her already!" the bassist fumed. Tuomas raised his head, dangerous fire dancing in his eyes, but Marco ignored it and went on with his speech. "Three weeks passed already and you've been doing nothing except drowning your stupid head in alcohol. You've lost her before and survived, you'll survive now, too." Tuomas had enough. "You don't understand, do you?!" He bellowed. "I love her more than anything! I lo-lost her!" he paused for a moment, hiccupped and continued. "Don't come to me, talking about things you don't understand! If you ever come to me with such speeches again, I swear Marco, I'll-" What he would have done, had to remain unknown, because Marco, scared by this sudden anger, left Tuomas' room without letting him finish. Meanwhile, the keyboarder sunk down on the floor and clutched his head with his hands. "She's gone..." He mumbled. "She's gone."

While Tuomas was tormenting himself with thoughts of his lost love, Tarja lay on her bed, deep in thought.  One by one, memories came to surface from depths of her mind. She remembered her every single moment with Tuomas. She knew she should have fought her thoughts and stop thinking about the keyboarder but she just couldn't force herself to do it. Tarja cursed the day Nightwish arrived in Buenos-Aires, if only she hadn't gone outside that evening! If only she didn't run into Tuomas. If none of these things happened, she'd be at home now, with Marcelo, not even thinking about Tuomas and others, she'd be happy. But no, he needed to come into her life and turn it upside down! How much had changed in that short period of time, if two, three weeks ago somebody told her that soon she'd have sex with Tuomas, be in relationship with him and leave Marcelo, she'd laugh and call that person crazy. Tarja closed her eyes and tried to relax, to fall asleep, but sleep didn't come to her. Instead, her mind desperately tried to make her imagine Tuomas next to her, wrapping his arms around her, his hair tickling her face, his scent in her nostrils. Tarja surrendered to the feeling. It's so good like this... I won't open my eyes ever again and this feeling will never go away. She thought and smiled slightly. But, it seemed like everything in this world was against her. The telephone rang, tearing her out of sweet imaginary scenario. Tarja frowned, too lazy and too tired to get up and answer. She just wished the person would stop trying to contact her. Suddenly a thought ran through her mind and she jerked her eyes open. Maybe it was Tuomas! The singer sprang up and reached out for her phone. Her face fell. She took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, calming her nerves. It wasn't Tuomas, but the last person she wanted to speak right now. Marcelo. Still, she pressed the button and held the phone up to her ear. "Marcelo." "How are you, Tarja?" "I'm good." "Are you sure? With your lover gone? I knew it, I knew he was going to leave you sooner or later." Tarja blushed and silently thanked God that he couldn't see her face. "How do you know what has happened between us?" She asked, wondering why did everybody need to know everything about her personal life. "News travel fast." Marcelo responded simply. "Is this why you called? To gloat? Well, are you happy now?" "No. I want to talk about –about our divorce." The man's voice quivered a little. The divorce. Tarja had completely forgotten about it. "Well, what is it?" She asked. "I believe it's in our interests to keep it quiet, even if people already know what happened between you and Tuomas." Tarja nodded in agreement and then realized he couldn't see her. "Yeah." She said and waited for him to continue. "I will take care of everything and send you the documents. You'll only have to sign them and keep one copy." "Alright." "Okay then, I'll send them." Marcelo said and Tarja could hear sadness in his voice. He was going to hang up, when Tarja's voice stopped him. "Marcelo?" "Yes?" "Thank you for doing this. For everything." She said quietly. At the other end of the line, Marcelo smiled. "You're welcome, Tarja."

Marcelo kept his promise. Few days later Tarja was sitting in her room, with documents spread on the table in front of her. She was staring at them and twirling pen in her fingers. Just a movement of hand and she would be separated from her husband forever. Now she realized that she never really thought about divorcing Marcelo. All of it happened so fast, him throwing her out in anger, Tuomas, the kiss, the relationship, the separation, she just didn't have time to think and comprehend what was happening. Now that she sat alone, ready to put signature and divorce, she asked herself, did she really want to do this? Any minute now, she could go back to Marcelo. Was this thing with Tuomas even worth it? Yes, she loved him madly. She loved Marcelo too, that simple, peaceful love was nothing compared to the crazy love, the passion that burned her from inside. But Tuomas still left her. He left her and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing.
After lot of thought she decided she couldn't go on like this. She couldn't turn time back and the only way was forward. Her future was in her hands and she would do anything to get her happiness back. Without hesitation, Tarja signed the documents and put them aside, pulling her laptop closer instead. Why should she sit here and drown in sorrow when she could act? Tarja made up her mind. The only thing that kept her from going, was the divorce. Now it was over, she could go wherever she wanted to. She would find Tuomas and do anything in her power to be happy with him and never leave him again.