for the one i love

little heartbreaks

it happened again
you made my heart do that thing again

the ache and the pain and the hurt and the jealous and the alone the alone the alone the alone

and i'm mad because i still love you just as much
i'm mad because i'm not mad at you
i'm happy that i'm not mad at you
i can't even decide for myself if i have the right to be mad at you
but i'm mad at you

it's all very twisted up in my mind

and in the aftermath of the single worst day of my recovery, i think, it's over now, i can push it back, you can be you and i can be i and we will be we

but on that second day i also think how will i ever forget? how will i ever manage to erase that tearing feeling in my chest? if it still idles in my heart this strongly today, how will i ever patch up the imprint you left when you left?

and it is not until the fifth day that i am sitting there, still plagued by this hurt, that i decide we are in the canyon's groove. we are in a little heartbreak. just a small one, a survivable one, but a collapsing one nonetheless. i am little heartbroken by what you have done, and i think you are too.

and then you apologize.
and strangely enough,

it gets
so
much
worse.

the tear is now a fucking gaping hole and the torn edges of the ripped seems flutter and flap pathetically in your wake
the pain i thought i could deal with and suppress are now here, in my face, in your words, crushing and crushing and crushing from every side
the idea of it clutters every nook and cranny and every corner my train of thought turns, there you are, waiting.
the unanswered questions hang in one mass, a frayed knot, a collection that looms
even when i can escape looking at it, it's shadow covers everything else in sight

and so you have consumed me. in doing exactly what makes it better, you have, well, made it better. yes, you were stitching the threads back in place, but that cannot lessen the sting of the needle. and i feel every painful pinch and prod and hole you poke so intensely, the feeling entirely saturates my life. but such is necessary to move along after a little heartbreak.

i pray we can move along after this little heartbreak.

(a/n: yo i hate when people assume loved ones getting mad at each other or messing up pretty decently is the end of the love or needs to be the end bc yes there is a point at which to draw the line but you aren't always crossing it and wow if that's how you give up on everyone you're never gonna get anyone because people can be shitty man i'm shitty you're shitty fact o life but anyways yeah psa being upset is not the end of the world, and despite my angry writing imma be a-ok, still love my lovely deeply)