London [Louis Tomlinson]

9: Untitled

The clinking of my platform heels against the concrete, the misty clouds which appeared at each of my breaths, and the muffled yet still harsh notes of a dance track emitting from the narrow, brick-laid English house.

All I could think was, this was such a mistake.

What was I trying to prove? That despite my life's most recent predicament I could still go out and have fun like a normal human being? That Louis didn't have influence over every decision I made and emotion I felt? Something told me I'd fail at defying the both of them.

I watched as two girls with cocktail dresses and leather jackets rushed through the front door, the music momentarily growing louder as they entered. It was cold outside – I could feel that, knew from the goose bumps on my skin and the chatter in my teeth – but my body didn't seem to want to do anything about it.

How could I? How could I just walk in there without any fuss, when I knew at the back of my mind that a certain somebody could be behind that door? Two certain somebodies, even.

I asked myself again: What was I trying to prove?

"Hey!" a vaguely familiar voice shouted, and I spun around, discovering Elizabeth hopping out of a car from across the street. She looked older since the last time I'd seen her, and wore tight, figure hugging clothes and colourful eye makeup. Spotting her, a familiar face amongst so much confusion, I felt my shoulders physically relax as I paced towards her with urgency.

"Oh my god," I muttered in lieu of greeting, so very relieved. She smiled, sensing this, and swooped me up into a quick hug. "You have no idea how good it is to see you," I managed to squeeze out through the tight embrace. Elizabeth always hugged too tight, was always a bit too vivacious and talkative, but I was glad for that now – needed that distraction so everything else could fade into the background.

"God, it's been so long. At least it feels like it's been so long. How have you been?" she asked, and I paused, my smile faltering. How had I been? That's definitely not the best conversation starter in this circumstance.

"I've been okay," I lied, putting forth my best acting skills. "What about you? How's Birmingham?"

"Fucking amazing. Did you ever realise how many hot people there are at university? It's absolutely insane, and— gosh, I have to tell you about Aaron. We have so much catching up to do." Elizabeth said, overflowing with excitement and effervescence and just everything that I was not at this time. Or ever, lately. "But first," she said with confidence, "We need alcohol."

At that, I couldn't help but silently agree.

With Elizabeth by my side, the notion of entering the party didn't seem so daunting. I knew I could blend in next to her, converse with whoever she was conversing with, and not have to navigate the party on my own. My shoulders relaxed even further.

"Freya and Marietta are already inside," she said as we approached the front door, which had a centred glass panel illuminated by the bright lights of the party. "Cam said she's coming in ten."

Right, more friends. I wouldn't have to cling to Elizabeth the whole night. And there was Jasper, too. Jasper, who'd asked me to text him when I arrived. As Ellie and I entered the party, I sent a quick message to him, saying here, before I gathered the courage to glance up.

It certainly wasn't an unfamiliar scene. I'd been to plenty of parties before, and this one was no different in appearance. People chatted in groups, shouting and laughing over the loud music, and many had their hands occupied by something alcoholic. Few people were dancing, but that didn't mean it was a boring party. Everybody was laughing, and crowds sprawled from the living room all the way to the back of the house.