Depression

how i found her

That night when i finally got to to sleep the flash backs came the way i found her in her bathroom with blood everywhere. I had to get   help what if it was to late what if she never made it? "HELP" i cried but know one seemed to be home I ran to my house getting my mom but on my way back people were around her house I tried to scream but nothing came out i wanted to wake up  but i can't get myself up. " walk up Julie you need to wake up" i  knew it was a dream but couldn't get myself up my mom came in getting me up for school. But when she did my eyes were puffy blood shot red I was crying last night in my dream but never woke up. I didn't know i was crying again till mom wiped my face with her hand. Its my fault she died she was never meant to die she had a happy life outside of school , she never let the other kids get to her at least that's what i thought how could a 13 year old die before her life could really start? I could her screams all though school but know else heard them when i closed my eyes she was all i would see. Make it stop the pain hurt  so much there was now a whole in my heart black and empty she always fulled that spot why not me i should have died that day and not woken up.

After school i ran and looked my door that night i tried to kill myself hoping it would work she was my best friend i let her die never saved her. When i kicked then chair i fell to the ground to fat to even hang myself i only weighted 107 pounds. Why can't i die? I Blacked out when i hit the flood not knowing what just happen i heard my brother come though the door how did he get in it was  looked. He ran up to me i didn't get out what he said but all i got was " please don't tell mom" then it was black again but next thing i remember is bree screaming at herself her crying going to get some pills " "bree stop no don't" i cried but she never turned to me " PLEASE STOP" she acted like she didn't hear me  or even know i was there. I ran up to her grabbing her arm but wake up screaming again  i fell back on my bed crying harder why i can't even say how bad it hurts, i put on some Johnnie Guilbert's song " Not so perfect" his song always helped me clam down  i start to  not be able breath i feel like my feet are on fire and my heart is going to break more  it hurts i have never had so much pain ever till she died.    

I find my inhaler starting to breath again "no you promise" i told myself but i already broke it. Then there was blood all over my bed i felt a little better then what i did just two seconds ago. I tried so hard to forget but it was never that easy she always helped me forget things, but she ant her now " because of you" a small voice said in the back in my head. I know i made her do this i told her i didn't wanna see her again that i hated her, that day before she died " i am sorry " i whisper to myself " forgive me" I got up running to her house i run though the door up to her room looking around for a note that she might have left. Her mom was at her dads and they never locked their door, i found a paper in her closet that read "DEAR JULIE IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU KNOW I AM DEAD I AM SORRY I UPSET YOU YESTERDAY PLEASE  DON'T BE MAD ITS NOT YOUR FAULT I AM DEAD I COULDN'T TAKE EVERYTHING AT HOME AND SCHOOL, CHECK UNDER MY BED I WANT YOU TO HAVE WHATS UNDER IT. YOU ARE LIKE A SISTER TO ME YOU ALWAYS HELPED ME SO PLEASE DON' T HURT YOURSELF YOU PROMISE ME REMEMBER THAT PLEASE I LOVE YOU BRIELLE A.J. COOK." Well you promise to but you did it anyway i almost forget about my arm till it start to burn i ran to her bathroom to wash the bad blood off my arm and cover it with a paper and tape.

( sorry if this seems short hope you enjoy sorry if there is any spelling mistakes comment<3)