Drive By

Chapter 1

When I'm upset I just go for a drive and wonder.

Wonder.

It's a word rooted in curiosity. Freedom to question things. Anything. Everything. That's what I do when I don't understand things. I wonder.

I wonder about life and it's purpose.

I wonder why.

Why I'm writing this and you're reading this.

It's the question that has no answer and it never will.

I kinda like it better that way though.

If every question had an answer wouldn't life be awfully boring?

If every question had an answer we would know everything, and then it's just a dead end, there's no room for wondering or questioning.

And that's the great thing about life, it never stops, it's infinite.

One day everyone will die. The human race will come to an end but, life will not.

I then pull off to the side of a field. It's quiet, except for the buzzing of misquitos and the steady chirp of crickets.

This is what I do when I'm stressed.

I just drive until I run out of sunlight, pull over into a calm field and just lay there until I feel at peace again.

I get out of my '67 Beetle and walk along the edge of the field until I find a spot that just, feels right.

I lie down and just study the stars.

As a kid I lived in the city so I didn't see the stars very often.

I love the stars and the galaxy. It gives wonder a whole new meaning.

The galaxy is so big and our solar system is just the tiniest portion of it.

That's a lot to wonder about.

Wonder about what's out there.

Wonder about other life forms.

Wonder about them looking down on me doing the exact same thing I'm doing now.

Wonder if they wonder.

I like it out here because I just don't try.

I don't try to force thoughts.

They just come naturally.

When they do my brain just sorts them out by itself and I just lay here listening to my thoughts.

I typically re-think the same things over in my head and every once in a while a new thought will work itself into my brain.

Tonight that happened.

Out of all the millions of times I'd come out here or go for a drive, I have never thought about boys.

But the mind has funny ways of working, so here I was laying on the side of a field, listening to the mid-summer wind when that idea popped into my mind.

Even I, the one generating the thoughts was surprised.

"How peculiar." I mumbled.

I decided to do what I always do and let my mind sort it out.

I find it strange that I was laying here thinking about boys.

I've never really been boy crazy.

I was seventeen going on eighteen in two weeks and I have never even had a boyfriend before.

Maybe I just missed that phase of puberty.

I wonder why I've never had a boyfriend before.

Actually, It isn't a mystery why I never had a boyfriend before.

I'm invisible.

Not exactly invisible, I was visible indeed, painfully visible.

The kind of visible where people know that you are there but they choose not to acknowledge you.

People choose to ignore me.

Not because I'm mean, I'm just different.

I don't follow fashion rules, I wear what's comfortable.

I never attend parties or games or dances.

Not because I wasn't asked to go, I was, I just didn't know how not to be awkward when I was around so many people.

I don't have social anxiety, I'm just socially awkward.

When I'm out here all alone I can be me.

I don't have to worry about my problems focusing.

I don't have to worry about embarrassing myself.

I don't have to worry about someone judging me.

It's just me and Mother Nature.

It's perfect.

Then the thought of boys crept back.

And it lingered in my mind for several minutes until I decided It was time to go back home.

On the car ride back the word 'dating' danced in my mind in an almost teasing manner.

That was day it all started.

The day I decided that I wanted a boyfriend.