i dont wanna be saved

bedroom

tyler loved his bedroom. he loved his bedroom so much he thought he could marry it. it kept him safe from everything the world threw at him. in his bedroom the world didn't exist. it was tyler, his keyboard, his bed and his thoughts. he had his own little world in his little space with his little self. tyler always felt small. like anyone that would come his way could - and would- crush him to pieces. everyone seemed more capable than him. in every way possible. none of the prescription pills worked. because he didn't want them to.  the amount of spit out pills and lies told to his mother couldn't be counted on fingers anymore. the truth was, tyler liked feeling sad. he liked the feeling of deep blue and rain. the smell of what lazy was and not being able to remember what doing anything for the first time felt like. everything seemed uninteresting and boring. that was the only thing tyler hated. but he wanted people to ask if he was okay. no question his therapist asked would go answered. he liked the feeling of something being wrong. and there was something incredibly wrong. it wasn't good for tyler to feel like this but he didn't have to confront his issues in his bedroom. for there, he was safe.

tyler awoke to an alarm he had forgot to shut off late last night. it was summer now. there was no need for alarms. the scent of daylight and the familiar feeling of his plain white cotton sheets over took him with a feeling of content. he looked outside his window to see a beautiful day. the sun was out and there wasn't a cloud for miles. tyler had no intention to go outside. so he had decided to go back to sleep.  tyler awoke to an alarm he had forgot to shut off late last night. it was summer now. there was no need for alarms. the scent of daylight and the familiar feeling of his plain white cotton sheets over took him with a feeling of content.he looked outside his window to see a beautiful day. the sun was out and there wasn't a cloud for miles. tyler had no intention to go outside. so he had decided to go back to sleep. tyler awoke to an alarm he had forgot to shut off late last night. it was summer now. there was no need for alarms. the scent of daylight and the familiar feeling of his plain white cotton sheets over took him with a feeling of content. he looked outside his window to see a beautiful day. the sun was out and there wasn't a cloud for miles. tyler had no intention to go outside. so he had decided to go back to sleep. the only thing he would remember is that he was screaming in his dream.

tyler awoke with a ringing in his ears. the pounding in his brain was what woke him up for the 5th time today. it was 4:00pm. most days went by like this. wasted. he had not took his medicine for the 4th day in a row. it's affects of not being used had started to take a toll. the pain wasn't so bad tyler thought to himself. he could go another day without it, or so tyler thought. his mother wasn't to come home for another hour or two. he hoped she would come back with food of some sort. the pain of an empty stomach over took the pain in his head.  his sister's car was in the driveway so he assumed she was in her room. he checked his phone, knowing that there would be no notifications but he would check anyway, just to be sure. he went back to his room.

tyler had then become attentive to watching a moth go onto the lamp in his bedroom. he wondered if the moth could feel pain from the heat that the light bulb was giving off. he almost felt bad for the moth if that was the case. but he also thought if the moth could feel pain from the light bulb, why would it continue to go back to it? the moth could easily fly away from it's problem, but it decided to stay where the comfort was feeding off from. he then began to wonder what the moth would do if the light bulb no longer gave off heat from itself. where would it go? would it find another light? would it die?  the light bulb blew out. there was a knock at the door. tyler froze.