The Adventures Of Lemmie Montinaro

Some Trees Can't be Trusted

In which our heroes meet an intriguing tree and Lemmie argues with it.

"No, no, no, no!" exclaimed Venus "This can't be happening!"

"And why can't it?" came a deep voice from somewhere near Venus.

"Who was that?" asked Venus, freezing.

"It appears to be emanating from your direction." Chance said while turning to Venus, whose frightened expression turned into a terrified one.

"Forget whatever the hell that was and help me find a way out of here!" Lemmie growled angrily.

"No point." the mysterious voice said happily.

"No point?" asked Chance, tilting her head

"Who said there was no point?" the voice came again.

"Oh, stop your hiding and show yourself like a proud human!" Lemmie snapped.

"And who, exactly, said I was a human?"

"I- you what?"

"And it's not as though I am hiding. I am in plain sight. Although I do believe a wise axolotl once said It's best to hide in plain sight. And it's not as though I can walk up to you. I haven't any legs."

"... What on earth is-"

"I might have a leg though. Just one. It's called a trunk. Not like a bag or an elephant. It has bark. Not like a dog, mind you. Oh goodness me, trees are hard to describe."

"Trees?" asked Chance.

"Hard to describe?" asked Lemmie.

"Trees can't talk it's not possi-"

"They most certainly are not, they are tall, brow-"

"I think your focusing on the wrong thing, Lemmie!" yelled Venus, who up till this point had been frozen stiff.

Both Chance and Lemmie, who had been searching all over the place for this annoying thing, looked at Venus. Then looked up.

And saw a pair of eyes.

"Good, it seems you've finally found me. Took you long enough."

At this stage Venus had turned around and was also staring in wonderment at the "tree".

"Well, would you look at that," said Lemmie, " We're officially in a movie. I reckon if we look around we'll find cameras."

"Don't be ridiculous. Movies are child's play." came the tree's indignant response.

"But I like movies."

"Are you a child?"

"I most certainly am not."

"But you said that you like movies and I said movies are child's play. So you must be a child."

"No, you're wrong!"

"Excuse me, child, for I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."

"But, you've just contradicted yourself."

"Well, I never. Why would I contradict myself, when I can contradict others?"

"Who else could you contradict? There's no one else here."

The tree sighed and made a big movement of dramatically moving it's eyes to the right. To no one.

"Well, Greg's great fun for chats."

Lemmie opened her mouth and closed it, looking from the tree to the empty space in confusion.

"But there's nothing there."

"Of course not, child. It's called tree humour. When you are the only talking tree for miles, you learn to have fun in other ways."

"Oh. Alright, then?"

Venus and Chance, who had gotten quite bored with their repetitive conversation, had left to continue exploring and while Lemmie was arguing with the tree, they found: two lizards (one green, one orange) a collection of seashells, a rope made from what appeared to be fur, and a particularly interesting cloud in the shape of a smiley face.

Venus, who had been oddly quiet since the tree began speaking suddenly looked up at the tree and asked "What'll we call you?"

The tree shifted it's gaze from Lemmie to Chance and looked at her strangely.

"Pardon?"

"You. What will we call you. What is your name. She honestly can't make it any easier." said Chance.

"Well, call me what you want. I don't have a name."

"Oh. How sad. I'll name you then, shall I?"

"I don't see a reason why not."

"Mekoth, then. Or perhaps Kedon."

"I quite like Kedon." piped up Chance.

"Me too." said Lemmie.

"Then it's settled. Tree, from now on you shall be addressed as Kedon. Are you alright with that, Kedon?"

"Kedon," said Kedon, "Kedon, Kedon, Kedon. Yes, that shall do just fine I think."

Venus, who had turned her charm on, smiled gently at it and said, "Do you want to know our names, Kedon? We have our own names already."

"Well, you were kind enough to give me my own name, so I shall listen to your names."

"Chance." said Chance with a nod of her regal head.

"Lemmie." came the grouchy girls voice as she crosses her arms.

"And my name, my darling Kedon, is Venus." came Venus's charming introduction.

"Wait a moment," Chance said turning to Kedon. "While we were looking for an exit, you said there was no point. Why not?"

"You see, Miss Chance, you were looking for a door which had already been made. That's lazy. You need to make your own."

"Why?" asked Chance.

"Can't say."

"Your saying we need to make a door." growled Lemmie, "To make a door we need wood. Wood comes from trees. And I see a rather annoying tree in front of me, that I would be happy to dispose of."

Kedon looked at her uncertainly, not sure if she meant it. After deciding she did, Kedon spoke up "I really want to help you, truly, but I can't. I'm a tree that's been secluded all its life. I have no knowledge of anything that might help, apart from the fact I recently saw a human like you wandering about, speaking of making a door to escape. All I know is that human will be more help then me."

"And how do you think, you absurd tree, will we find this human?" asked Lemmie sceptically.

"Like so." said Kedon.

All of a sudden Kedon snapped in half. So sudden that when it's top part hit the ground, the force created crack in the green grass which widened, until it was big enough to begin swallowing the entirety of the field in which they were standing.

Creature after creature fell in, trees snapping and tipping over, water pouring in, bridges collapsing. The clouds even fell from the sky into the gaping hole that was growing with everything it ingested.

With a shriek, the girls too were eaten by the hole, and the fell into a black nothingness.