The EAGLE Files: Offline

Agent X's Disclaimer

Oh, hello. I guess you're the person I'm supposed to meet? Alright, nice to meet you.

What? My name? I can't tell you that, sorry. It's classified. And it's probably best if I don't know yours.

You can call me Agent X.

Okay, I supposed you want to get started. Here we go.

Hold on, I just remembered: I have to read you this disclaimer before we begin. It is super important, okay? The lawyers would have my head if I didn't read this.

How important is it? Well, you know how they say you can't believe everything you read? Well, you have to believe what this disclaimer says, okay? It's for your own good, I promise.

Alright, *ahem*

"NOTE: The characters in this book are fictional. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

The events are fictional too. No matter what. I don't care if you think you saw a person flying through the air or someone lifting a car over their head. The flying thing you thought was a person is just a weather balloon, okay? And the "person" who lifted the car over his head was only a speck on your glasses. Yeah, a speck. You should probably clean those.

What? You don't wear glasses? Well maybe you should be, since you're convinced a speck of dust was a superhuman. Those don't exist. At all. Super humans are not real. Got it?

Alright, let's see, what else does it say?

"Based on real events."

Wait, what?

That's not supposed to be there!

I'm sorry, please excuse me for a moment.

All right, who put that in there?!

Was it you, Jerry? Jerry- don't you lie to me Jerry!

It WAS you, wasn't it? Do you know how badly this could've messed up the Universal Secrecy Code, if I hadn't caught that?! It would have completely screwed everyone up, Jerry!

We will deal with you later, just go sit down and let me get through this first.

Ok, I'm back. Now, where was I? Right, purely fictional. One hundred percent not real. Fake. Never happened.

Now, you probably have a few questions you want to ask before we get started. I will answer them as much as I am allowed to say.

What is the purpose of EAGLE?

Well, as we already established that EAGLE is a nonexistent organization (that whole 'purely fictional' thing), but let's say that, hypothetically, things like aliens and superhumans do actually exist. Hypothetically.

So if we accept that these things exist, what do we do? We can't govern superhumans with regular people, that wouldn't work well at all. I mean, have you ever tried to tell the Hulk to stop smashing things? (Uh, not that you could, because the Hulk definitely does not exist). But if you had the opportunity, would you? Of course you wouldn't! No normal human would go up against Hulk like that.

So what do you do? Just sit and hope that the Hulk does the right thing? Well before the late 1700s, that's exactly what the world did when it came to superhumans (we also call them PoPs, People of Power).

That's where we, I mean, EAGLE, comes in. When someone reports that a superhuman is tearing up a city or something like that, we send teams of agents with weapons specifically designed to combat their powers. That, or we send in other superhumans. After that, we clean up the mess and wipe all the witness's memories of the event. Or we would, if we existed. Which we don't.

But that's not all we do here at EAGLE. We also train superhumans, and give help to the heroes where they need it. We- you know what, I think you get the idea. Anything powerful or secret, it's our jurisdiction.

But EAGLE does not exist. Understand? This story is fictional. If I happen to get a call on my phone and leave suddenly, it's not because I was called on a mission. It's because of something else.

Great, now that we have that sorted out, we can begin.