Dear Dan,
How is everything? I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I just never found the right time. I didn't want to be the reason that the smile disappeared from your face. There were so many things I wanted to tell you, but there was so little time. So little heart.
I didn't expect to be telling you like this, through a letter without even being the one to give it to you. But I could never bring myself to say these words. I knew they'd shatter you, Dan, and in a way, I'm glad I'm not there to see it. I'm sorry that this letter is all you'll have, but I'm leaving this as a physical memory, something that'll always be with you, like a piece of me that you can keep inside your pocket.
This all happened so fast; too fast and I didn't want to have to rush it. So I guess a letter is better, considering I can write everything without worrying that I'm missing things out. I can always come back to it. I'm sorry that I left so abruptly, it wasn't supposed to end like this for us. For the longest time, I wished for a miracle because when you're told that it's cancer, death isn't a certainty, but an uneasy possibility that leaves, not only you, but everyone around you trying to crawl out of a pit of despair. I had already fallen in, Dan. I didn't need you to fall in too.
I tried so hard to fight it. I did. But sometimes it isn't enough and not everyone gets a miracle. I did get a miracle though and it was you, Dan. You made everything better. I had given up and you were the only reason that I wanted to live on, I owed it to you and myself to find out what our future held. Nobody knew and you helped without even knowing. You saved me and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm so happy with what we're leaving behind; our legacy. It's a world that we made together and we've made a difference, together. Because you can't have Phil without Dan.
For as long as I can remember, I had wanted to change the world in ways no one would believe. And when I said that, people doubted it, as they naturally would. You took that doubt away, Dan. You gave a sense of surety that everything would be okay, that in the end, we'd be the ones who were utterly, beyond thought, happy. And you were right. I hate to think what would've happened if you weren't there. I would've completely given up and broken apart if you hadn't held me together. And I know that you won't think that, but it's true.
I'm not leaving unhappy. I'm leaving fully and utterly satisfied with what we've achieved. When I was told I didn't have long, I didn't resent it, I accepted it because my life was perfect. I wasn't leaving any unfinished business. My life was complete and you have made it that way. I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you, Dan. But I'll still be here. I'll still be thinking of you and wishing with all of my heart that you will be happy.
I need you to promise me some things, Dan. Keep doing YouTube. It's your home; it's where you belong. You deserve this community of people, they are friends, people who will support you through everything. You are amazing, Dan. You are beautiful and capable of so, so much. Take this opportunity and do everything with it that you can. Everything that you said you'd do, do it now. Don't leave things to do later because tomorrow may or may not come. And I know that this'll be the hardest one but, Dan, don't be afraid to find love again. You deserve every bit of love that comes your way and I wish with all my heart that you will find a love like that.
I'm leaving this world with every desire fulfilled, every dream achieved, every memory captured, every moment enjoyed and I want you to do the same. You were the story of my life, Dan. But I'm only a chapter in yours and you need to live. I love you so, so, so much, Dan. Never forget that. You are loved and cared for by so many people. You will never be alone, there are millions of people out there who love you and will be there listening to whatever you have to say, take these opportunities to talk to them.
I love you, Dan. Thank you for the most fun I've ever had.
Love
- Phil
}•{
Dear Phil,
It's been a while since you left and nothing is the same. It's only been a few months to be honest but it feels like longer. It feels like years and years have gone by, not having you here. You were right though, everyone's been so supportive. But it feels sickening. Nobody knew you like I did. It feels different. It doesn't feel like I've lost my best friend or the person I loved the most, it feels like I've lost a part of me, one that won't come back no matter how hard I, or anyone else tries.
I'm sorry I've stopped YouTube. But I can't bring myself to go back. It feels weird to sit in front of the camera and not hear your soft giggling as I ramble on about a stupid metaphor, or film you tripping over a bean bag chair for the next story you'll be telling everyone; because you're not there to tell it anymore and it hurts. It hurts, Phil. And I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm going against everything you said but I don't have a choice. You said to live a life that I can look back on and be happy about. I won't be happy with the rest of my life if you're not there. I can't live the rest of my life with half a heart which is cracked and on the brink of being crushed by the ruthless hands of fate. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I tried and I tried and my best just wasn't enough to get through this. I know I'm selfish for making this about me because it's not. It's about you but that's the thing isn't it, Phil. You can't have Phil without Dan. So how can you have Dan without Phil?
I'm not going to end this letter with my name, giving you lots of love because, like I said, that's the end. It's an unsaid closure between the writer and the reader. It's a signal that things have come to an end. But what if you don't believe that it's the end? Because I don't. This isn't the end because I'll see you soon.
Thank you for everything, Phil. This life that I'm living has been given by you. If you hadn't been there, I most likely wouldn't be here right now and I can't thank you enough for it. The past decade has been amazing and it all started with you. Our life was so good. It was disgustingly domestic, it was the friendship that everyone craved. It was all I had ever wanted, and everything I had never even imagined. It was perfect. It was happy. But I can't live knowing that you won't be here. It's always been us. It's always been Dan and Phil. But it can't be like that anymore
because that was when we ruled the world.
I kind of wanted to make this a chaptered fic and I might get to doing that but I'm not too sure. I just really liked this concept and I put in a lil cheeky one direction reference for my Egg and Bear who love one direction ;))
This was inspired a lot by an edit I saw on vine too and I really often find myself getting weird inspiration but I really like writing one shots so I really wanna do more. Thnks fr rdng gys.
- N
