Blue House | Tronnor

Chapter 7, Connor POV

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry, this chapter is a bit long. Stick around until the end though! Also yes, I know Connor's coming out video wasn't posted on December 21, but I'm bending things a bit.

I took a deep, shaky breath and hit upload. It was December 21, and this would quite possibly be the most important video on my channel. Zoe stood behind me, her arms wrapped around my shoulders in a warm hug. I trembled a bit as I watched the percentage rise to 23% done uploading. "Zoe... Zoe what's going to happen?" I asked her in a small voice. We were in her room with the door locked so Tyler, Joe, and Troye didn't come in while I was uploading. If one of them saw my video, then so be it, but I wasn't brave enough to tell them. I sniffed a bit, repeating that to myself. I'm not brave enough to tell my best friends my sexuality. I stood abruptly, not even noticing or caring that Zoe was talking. She looked at me with a knit brow, and her eyes widened as she saw my nails digging into my hand. I hadn't noticed that I was bleeding. Good, I deserved it. I pressed my nails further into the cuts, drawing more blood. "Stop!" she uttered, smacking my hands. She came and rushed into my arms, crying softly into my shirt, and I looked down at her, confused. "Zoe why are you crying?" I asked softly. She looked up at me, shocked, and whisper-shouted "Because you're hurting yourself! You're p-punishing yourself f-for being you! It's not o-ok!" I blinked, then let my arms fall around her in a tight hug. "I'm sorry Zo. I really am," I whispered, careful not to get blood on her. She nodded into my shoulder and looked at my hands, and looked over at my laptop screen. I looked over as well, and rushed to the computer. "Connor, it's done uploading! Your video is up!" I nodded speechlessly and began scrolling through the comments. As I had expected, there were a fair amount of hate comments, but a larger amount of my fans being kind and accepting. I felt a hand on my shoulder, but I breathed out and shut the lid of my laptop. "I'll read them later," I explained to Zoe. She looked at me nervously and said, "Okay, but be safe. Promise?" I smiled wanly and nodded, not actually saying the words. I didn't want to make a promise that I couldn't keep.

The morning of Christmas Eve was upon us. Joe and Alfie were in London for the day, and they both came back around 8:00 tonight, so it was just the old crew of our 4 musketeers: Zoe, Tyler, Troye and I. I ran into the kitchen like a little kid, jumping up and down. Zoe hadn't let us get presents for eachother, and to be honest, I was glad. I'm rubbish at picking gifts because I'm always afraid they won't like it, and I don't need anything, really. My favorite gifts are memories and experiences, not items. Memories don't take up space in my apartment, and they are much more priceless than any tangible toy. Or music--I love getting music. I can't sing for shit, but listening to music is something from another world. For me, music is like colors--hard to describe, beautiful and unique, and different for every person.

"Connah, pass me the milk will you?" asked Troye as I opened the fridge. "Sure," I said easily. I had become more comfortable around him ever since I had accepted the fact that I was gay, which seemed like the opposite of what I should have felt, but I felt strangely... at ease. It was almost like I knew that I had a shot now, so I didn't have to bother covering up my feelings as much. Of course, he didn't exactly know I was gay yet, and I wasn't being obvious about it, but I felt like I didn't have to pretend to like girls. I could be myself now. I realized Troye was done pouring and I put the gallon back in the fridge after using it myself for my cereal, and headed to the table where the rest of the group (except Tyler, who, of course, had slept in again) sat together. I slid in next to Troye, leaving me at the head of the table, and tucked into my cereal. There were stockings hung on the mantel and fairy lights in every room. The house smelled like chai and gingerbread, the tree smelled like fresh pine, and Christmas spirit was high. I cleared my bowl and took a fresh change of clothes to the bathroom along with my hair mousse. The quiff was soon born, and I stood in front of the mirror and evaluated myself. I wore a black, hoodless sweater over a thin maroon hoodie. The sweatshirt read Eat my bubbles on the back, because it was from my most recent swim meet in Chicago where I had won the 200m freestyle. I wore my standard navy skinny (but not too skinny) jeans, and my feet were clad in black sneakers with white soles. Not too bad, I guess. I checked my watch, waiting for the hour hand to reach 10:00. It was only 9:27, so I sat on the kitchen counter and flipped through various magazines to pass the time.

Tyler was the first to see the video. He came downstairs looking stern, and glared at me from across the room. "I'll be there for breakfast in a second, I just need to talk to CONNOR here for a moment," he growled. I flinched a bit as he dragged me by the collar into the closet and shut the door. How ironic. "You're gay," he said, and I cracked the door open, wriggling away. "Ty, I don't wanna come out of another closet!" I whined. He yanked me back and shut the door again, scolding, "Don't joke right now, although that was pretty good. Ok, I probably shouldn't have done this in a closet. Whatever, why didn't you tell me?" I blinked and said, "I... I was afraid I guess?" He looked as if I had lost my mind. "Honey, I'm gayer than a rainbow, I wouldn't have judged!" he exclaimed, and I snorted at his comparison. "I know it was stupid, but you know how hard it is." He softened, and hugged me. "I'm glad you're out Con," he said, and I smiled in the dark and hugged him back. "Me too Tilly," I chuckled, and reached for the door, groping in the dark and finally pushing my way out of the closet. "We really should have done that somewhere else," Tyler said, abashed. I threw my head back and cracked up, Tilly joining in. "Yes, we should have. Oh, and Ty?" I asked. He turned, question in his eyes. "Don't tell anyone for now," I muttered. "I wouldn't out you," he replied, sashaying sassily out into the kitchen with a wink.

11:00 found Zoe, Troye, Tyler, Alfie and I on the Brighton pier, trying our best not to get blown away. The wind was stronger than I would have thought possible, blowing over tables and ripping umbrellas apart. We struggled to the end of the pier and looked out at the stormy water, the huge waves crashing against the cement walls and wooden beams. Rain pelted down, making the wood beneath me slick. I heard a faint noise and looked around, seeing Zoe try to send us a message. She started motioning with her right hand, holding her vlogging camera in her left. I couldn't believe she was trying to film this. I turned around and waved my arm, capturing the attention of Troye. That was my first mistake. Troye saw me out of the corner of his eye and turned sharply towards me, tripping. It was like time stopped. He tripped, falling over the low railing somehow in a feat of inhuman bad luck, barely catching the railing. My second mistake was not lunging forward and grabbing him, although I'm not sure there would have been time to. I watched as his hand slipped and he fell 30 feet to the water, hitting the wild waves with a thooomp. I scrambled frantically to the edge and saw him, struggling to stay afloat, but also trying not to get smashed into the cement wall or rocks blocking the shore. My third mistake was wearing so many layers. My hands fumbled with my sweater, then hastily ripped off my thin hoodie, leaving me in my swim t-shirt and jeans. I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my socks, adrenaline rushing to my head. Jeans were going to be rough, but it wasn't like I had a choice. I slipped over the railing and looked back. Shit, I had a crowd. Zoe was crying, and Tyler was standing perfectly still, as if he couldn't move. Alfie nowhere to be seen--presumably still in the shop he had entered 15 minutes ago. I motioned at Zoe, then pointed to Ty. She nodded and hobbled over to him, and I turned, took a deep breath, and dove.