Blue House | Tronnor

Chapter 15, Connor POV

I looked at myself in the mirror, a sinking feeling in my stomach. My green eyes were glassed over with a thin film of tears, and my hair was messy. My shirt was old and ratty, and my thoughts were dejected and dismayed. I was nobody. I wasn't worth it. I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve to live. My knuckles turned white against the edge of the bathroom counter, and my breathing became sharper. I should leave. No one would miss me. A tear slipped from the corner of my eye onto the marble countertop, landing next to my toothbrush. My right hand clawed at my left wrist, scratching until I drew blood. It wasn't much, but it was the small release I needed. Hopelessly, I turned away and walked my room, collapsing on the bed, my hand clutching my now bleeding wrist. My eyes followed the ceiling fan in circles, and my thoughts twirled aimlessly around my head with no purpose or direction. I don't know how much longer I would have stayed like that, but I was jerked out of the silence by the ringing of my phone. I let loose a shuddery sigh, rolled over, and was greeted by Zoe's cheerful face lighting up my phone screen. I picked up, dreading this conversation. Zoe was always so cheerful.

"Hey Zo!" I said into the phone, feigning cheerfulness. "Connor!" she said gratefully, her warm voice melting a little bit of my worries through the receiver. "I was just calling to tell you to bring multiple swimsuits. We might be going to some waterfalls, which seems pretty scary to me, but Alfie and Louis are super thrilled so I suppose I'll tag along. I'm so excited to see you in three days!" I blinked, registering her message in three parts. One, to bring multiple swimsuits. Two, that we might be going to waterfalls (which would be pretty sick, but I was sure nobody would want me to come). Three, that I was seeing her in three days. Which meant I had to leave... Tomorrow?! Wednesday?! Oh no. No no no, this was bad. "Uh, yeah, I'll do that. Bring swimsuits, I mean. Heh, so excited to see you! IN THREE DAYS!" I cried anxiously at my phone. "Byee!" *Click.* I hung up the phone, my breathing quickening. I could feel a panic attack surfacing, for the first time in years. 

Panic attack.... 

My thoughts turned to him for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past week. I was always thinking about him. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. It's ok Con. It's ok. Pack today, leave tomorrow. You got this. I opened my eyes again and set to work.

I wish I could say Wednesday morning was a blur. The truth is, I woke up at 3:45, caught my flight at 5:30 after waiting in the airport, fell asleep on the plane and woke with a crick in my neck three hours later. I still had seven more hours on the plane, so I spent them by listening to music and reading Tyler Oakley's book, BINGE. Finally, I arrived in Brighton and took a cab to Zoe's place. I honestly didn't know who was going to be there, other than Louis and Alfie. Tyler would probably be there, along with Joe of course. Caspar the slut was likely to come as well, maybe Marky Butt Butt. And.... No. I couldn't think of him. He wouldn't care anyways, he would be on tour, probably fraternizing with Jacob. He had broken up with his old boyfriend, Edsta, the one from the hospital, but he had been seen a lot with this other guy, Jacob. I wasn't sure what they were, but it seemed more than just platonic. I looked down at myself, in a forest green Common Culture sweatshirt, gray joggers and a black beanie, and felt a wave of self hatred. I was disgusting. Not just my clothes--I was never on top of anything anymore. I wasn't funny, and I wasn't entertaining. I was a disgusting person. My eyes fell to my left sleeve, and I bit my lip so hard it drew blood. "Don't," I muttered to myself, getting an odd look from the cabbie. I looked down at my hands, twisted in my lap, and tried to calm down.

After what seemed like the longest, most painfully awkward car ride ever, I arrived at Zoe's. I grabbed my suitcase from the back, shouldered my backpack, tipped the driver and jogged up the front steps. The same front steps where he and I had kissed at midnight on New Year. I reached out and rung her doorbell, admiring her white walls and gray roof. Just as I was about to ring the bell again, the door opened, sending a fragrant breeze of what smelled like cinnamon into my nose, pleasantly surprising me. I was enveloped in a warm hug from the smaller girl, and I hesitated at first, but then relaxed into the hug, holding her close. I had forgotten how nice hugs were. I stepped into her house, feeling slightly better as she chattered on about how glad she was that I was here. "Oh, Marcus and Tyler come tomorrow, and Joey arrives late tonight. Here, let me show you where you're staying, just up here--Oh, say hi to Percy! He's out!" She rambled, pointing to her guinea pigs. I smiled a bit, keeping an eye out for Pippin in case he decided to show up. She turned left and I followed her into my room. I parked my suitcase next to the bedside table and slung my backpack off one shoulder and onto the bed. At least I didn't have a couch this year. "Are you tired? I can make you some coffee if you'd like. Or perhaps some tea?" offered Zoe. I laughed inwardly at how much she filled the British stereotype about tea. "I am a bit tired," I confessed. "Coffee sounds lovely, thanks Zozie." She smiled cheekily at my nickname for her and pulled me into the kitchen. Louis clapped me on the back while Alfie gave me a bear hug, and Joe grinned shiftily then settled for a high five. It felt good to see my friends again, even though they probably wished I wasn't here. That thought silenced me, and I took my coffee to my room to brood.