I started thinking about that guy Jack. He seemed like a nice person, but so did Jim before he beat me up. I didn't want to make that mistake again.
Sometimes I think too much and my brain sort of gets out of hand. This was one of those sometimes. So much had happened in the last few weeks, I couldn't take much more. Most of it was my fault. If I didn't go behind that bush, Layla wouldn't have to set up a fight and Jim wouldn't have beat up Alex. I felt really, really sick. Not just physically, mentally too.
I decided that everyone would be better off without me. After all, I was just another person to worry about. Allen wouldn't have to work so much if there was only 2 people to take care of instead of 3.
I got out of bed and went to the kitchen for some medicine to overdose on. I found a bottle of Tylenol and swallowed all the pills.
I stood there in the kitchen, emotionless. I was completely numb, like I was being swallowed up by emptiness.
I knew it would take a while for the medicine to kick in, and everyone who kills themselves writes a note to their family, so I did too.
Dear Allen, Alex, Johnny, Risha and Layla
I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. The entire thing was my fault, so don't blame yourselves. I took a bottle of Tylenol and hopefully they'll kill me quick. I don't want to cause anymore problems than I already have. Thanks for all y'all have done for me. I'm sorry I couldn't do better.
Bye,
Adeline Larson
I wrote my suicide note on a sheet of notebook paper with a dull pencil that I found under the couch.
_____________
I woke up in a cold room with a needle in my arm. There was a doctor frantically checking some kind of machine, but besides that I was alone. When he saw that I was awake he left, and a few minutes later my brothers and Layla came in. They all had the same expression of concern and confusion on their faces.
" Addie, what happened ? " Alex asked. I could tell he was about to cry. Like I've said before, it takes a lot to make him cry.
" I don't know. Where are we ? " I replied.
" The hospital in Raluso. You tried to kill yourself. Why'd you do that ? What happened ? " Allen answered.
" I'm sorry for causin' so much trouble " I said, trying to hide my face in the scratchy sack of cotton they called a pillow. It didn't work with all the hospital stuff around me.
" Kid, if somethin' was wrong you could've talked to one of us. Killin' yourself won't fix nothin', trust me " Layla replied.
" I'm sorry, everybody. I just thought y'all would be better off without me " I explained. I started to cry but forced myself to hold it in.
Alex shut his eyes, trying to hold back tears. He was supposed to be tough, he wasn't supposed to cry. Everyone has a breaking point, and I guess this was his.
Allen stood there with his hands shoved in his pockets, his face didn't show any emotion at all. He was thinking really hard, I could tell. I'm good at figuring out what people are thinking about. He was thinking about what he must have done to make me want to kill myself, about what he must have done wrong in the past 2 years we lived together to let it get this bad. It wasn't his fault though, it was mine. I tried to stop myself from causing trouble, but instead I just caused even more.
Layla had her arms folded across her chest, leaning against the wall. Her eyes were closed, and a single tear slid down her freckle - covered face. Layla had seen a lot and been through hell and back, and never cried about anything, not even when she got mugged by 4 people. I felt bad.
" Addie, we c - couldn't get along without you. I thought we l - lost you like we did mom and dad " Alex said in between sobs.
" Quit cryin', everyone. I didn't mean to make anyone sad. When are they lettin' me go ? " I interrupted.
" Tomorrow. They still gotta get the rest of the medicine out first " Allen explained.
" Gracious, I hate hospitals " I whispered to myself.
" It's alright, kid. When you get out of here we're gonna stomp those guys real hard. I talked with Debbie Capperson, she said she and her friends would help out " Layla said, kneeling down next to the bed and holding my hand. I had never seen her show this much emotion. The only feelings she has is anger and sometimes happiness.
I stared at the ceiling, thinking about my life and all the terrible mistakes I had made. I realized that it was okay -- to mess up every now and then. I wish I had known that sooner.
