Jesse

Three

"It's all about self-discipline. Like, self-obsession is connected completely with self-loathing, and it's the same with, if you've got a weight problem. It's all about... finding some worth in yourself, knowing that you've got the discipline to do it, and knowing that other people maybe can't do it. And it's also, I think, really connected to the fact that you almost feel, like, silent, you have no voice, you're mute, there's just no, you've got no option. Even if you could express yourself nobody would listen anyway. Things that go on inside you, there's no other way to get rid of them."

My fingers travelled around in a figure of 8 on my wrist. I had the self-control to stop or start whenever I liked. It never ended did it? The figure of 8, in all of its infinite wisdom. I got a rush, whenever I saw myself bleed, it's like I knew I was human. This was living proof I was human. We are all like a book; we are all the same colour once we are opened.

"Make me feel human." I said to Jesse, he was sat on my bed. Watching me.

He leant up and pulled open the top drawer of my bedside cabinet. Jesse pulled out the razor blade and walked up to me.

"Wait." Jesse said softly.

He looked down into my eyes, his brown eyes were sublime. I could look into them forever like I was looking through a black hole in the universe that showed me the other side. He gently closed his eyes, diverting my view.

I looked down at his hand as he ran the razor over his palm, leaving a small crimson trail in its wake.

"Jesse!" I breathed, panicked.

"Don't." Jesse said as he stopped my hand from touching his.

He gently pushed my fingers into his warm blood as he ran them gently over the palm of his hand. He turned my palm to the ceiling, I watched with curiosity as he gently pushed the razor into my skin, it glided effortlessly. I didn't feel a thing. I smiled softly as I watched his movement on me. My blood curled into the first droplet as it started to roll towards my wrist. The movement of it alone was pleasurable, as it made the tiniest footprints on my pale skin.

Jesse stopped the droplet from going any further. It balanced on the end of his finger as he brought it up to the light. My blood was so rich, it had so much depth. I can't explain that feeling you get when you see something, and you just want to harness more of it.

"I want more," I whispered pleadingly as I looked up at Jesse.

He pushed our palms together, our blood mixing.

"Not today." Jesse shook his head.

"Soon." Jesse smiled.

"What are you doing?" My mother called from the other side of the door.

Jesse and I jumped apart as he went behind my door as it opened.

"Nothing." I looked at my mother and I hid my arms behind my back.

"Okay." She nodded suspiciously.

I saw Jesse raise a blood stained index finger to his lips as she closed the door.