So I have a predicament. I can't believe that I'm basically shunned away by MY OWN FAMILY for someone my family and I haven't seen in three goddamn years. THREE. MOTHERFUCKING. YEARS. And if that isn't the bad thing, my depression has come back full force and I can barely function for a day without feeling like shit. Two motherfucking weeks of this bullshit, and I'm about ready to throw myself off a motherfucking building. I am sick and tired of my depression getting in the way of what I really want to do (be fucking happy) but instead favor to sit around in my basement and mope about my fucking life. This isn't bad, but considering that it's been a month without therapy is kind of a big deal because that therapist helped me through so many decisions these past few months. I can't believe that I could have all that progress erased in just a fucking week and a half, because if she weren't here, I would be perfectly fucking fine talking to my family and maybe I would have already come out to my mother, but NO. She thinks she can just fucking saunter in here like she owns the fucking place and expect for me to be happy. She treats me like a five year old when I try to tell her my problems, but all I get is a "don't be so hard on yourself"/pep talk combo. It's like I'm drowning, but everyone around me is breathing perfectly fine. I'm losing my fucking mind and I can't stop the spiralling depression and anxiety making their way through my nervous systems. I almost didn't want her to stay when I had my first bad day in over four months, but at the same time, I hadn't seen her in so long that it just never occurred that she was teh reason I had fallen into this fucking mess. I can't even imagine what kind of bullshit she has stirred up at home, because all I've seen is chaos and my being an authorative figure be taken from me. I'm sorry I'm a fucking doormat, I'm sorry that I tend to not stick up for myself. I'm sorry that my entire existence is based off of the fact that I can't be happy.
I'M FUCKING SORRY. WHAT THE FUCK MORE DO YOU WANT YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT OUT OF ALL THE TIMES I'VE TOLD YOU THAT I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED, THE WORST ONE WAS WHEN YOU HAD TOLD ME THAT I SHOULDN'T BE SAD. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THAT YOU KEEP TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO HAVE A FUCKING FAMILY. LET ME TELL YOU THAT MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AT THE FUCKING SEAMS AND I CAN'T FUCKING TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO BASICALLY HEAR THAT MY MOTHER PREFERS YOU OVER ME. I'M FUCKING SORRY FOR EVERYTHING AND I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND MAKE MYSELF FUCKING HAPPY FOR EVERYONE AROUND ME SO THEY CAN'T SEE THAT I'M DYING INSIDE AND CONSTANTLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF.When we hadgone to that concert, I had told myself multiple times that I wouldn't cry, and when I did you told me to man up. I'm sorry that when they played the one song I had ended up listening to to get myself out of my depressing funk to the point of wanting to commit suicide, I had no other choice than to express my feelings. Not many of the other songs make me react that way, but that one song in particular did. i'm sorry that when I try to take action you're louder and more intimidating that I am, but that's also because those small children have only met you once, and this is it. You're making the impression that you're a fucking bitch to children. I'm sorry that every time I try to talk to someone, I'm "interrupting" you. Let me fucking shut my mouth, and then have you wonder why I never have an opinion. The last time I was ever entitled to an opinion, I was told that it was too stupid to even want to be heard. You make me out to be the bad guy, when in all honesty you're the bad guy here.
Let me wish to erase my entire existence because of your actions.
