I figured out this thing has been going on since the end of April. I say this because the only thing I have to go off of is posts from Facebook and so it must be around that time. This has been going on for almost 4 months. These four months have been the happiest and the saddest months of my life. I have never had such emotional distress and also been no high on happiness in my whole life.
I went back and looked at most of my old Facebook posts and the ones from 2 months ago were happy and funny and about Him and he knew and he commented on them and I remember how happy that made me. I saw a status update I made about a phone call I had with him and how after he told me how much he loved me and how much he loves talking on the phone with me and he felt the need to apologize for falling asleep and I remember how sweet and in love I was...
And then I look at posts from this month and from last
I see that he stopped liking my pictures and he stopped commenting on the things I would post about him. I see sad posts and all I post about is relationships and about how shit I feel. All I see is sadness. And then I remember him. That he is making me feel this way. He is making me hate looking at what we started off as. And yet I still think I'm in love with him? I still think he's the same as before? I think that even though 4 months isn't that long of time that someone can't completely change in that amount of time?
And now I start realizing that it's not him I'm in love with now. But what he used to be. I'm in love with the things he used to say. The things he used to do. The way he made me feel. I felt a way that no one in this world could ever make me feel. I felt a happy that only he could get out of me. I felt joy that I have never felt in my life. A joy that surpasses any other emotion I could have been feeling at the time. I'm in love with the person he made himself out to be for me. I'm in love with the person who asks to call me so we can fall asleep on the phone after talking and laughing for hours. I'm in love with the person who keeps me up all night and then asks to call me right before I fall asleep so we can be as close to sleeping in the same bed as we possibly can in a moment when we can't have the real thing. I'm in love with the person who will walk with me for hours on end just to be with me as long as possible. I'm in love with the person who decides to visit me just for an hour because that's all the spare time they have and they want to spend it with me. I'm in love with the person who I make eye contact with across the room and no matter what they are doing or who they are talking to they come right over to me. I'm in love with that person. I'm in love with the person who kisses me when I start to talk to much or when I start to over think something.
That's what I'm in love with.
But that person. That person doesn't exist anymore. At least, that person doesn't exist for me anymore. Maybe one day when they fall in love with someone just as they fell in love with me then that person will be back. But that person is not there for me anymore. That person doesn't even bother to try anymore. That person is not my person anymore. So that leaves me broken and fallen and loveless. That leaves me in love with someone who lives in my past. Someone who isn't there anymore. Someone who will never be back for me.
Never will I forget the love I felt for them.
Never will I forget what I said. Never will I go back on my promise to love them forever and always. Never will I not be in love with that person. That person you used to be. To that person I promised I loved and I promised to keep their secrets and I promised to never tell a single soul. Even though that person does not exist anymore does not mean I go back on the promise to love and to never let go.
You make me dwell on the past. The past is something I can't have back and I know that. I would trade everything to go back to that past thought. To that love I felt everyday. To that feeling in my stomach I felt every day before I saw you and when I knew I would see you and even when you were right in front of me. That feeling. That I would trade every tomorrow for.
