Symbols (Phan)

Chapter 5

*Dan’s p.o.v*

I couldn’t believe it, Phils words whizzed around my mind  "I just don’t accept myself". So that’s why he acted like an arse hole, he acted like he was disgusted with people being gay- but he was scared, scared of accepting himself, scared of judgement, so he hid that and covered it up with hate instead. It all made sense now.

"Oh" Was all I said, I honestly couldn’t think of anything else, my mind was too pre-occupied with his earlier words.

"Yeah- stupid huh?" Phil laughed, but it was hollow and empty.

I sat down next to him, crossing my legs over. “You don’t need to be scared” I whispered soothingly. 

"Who said I was scared?" He snapped looking up at me, his facial expression then went softer and he looked down "I’m sorry- I just, I can’t even come out to myself- what am I going to do about the rest of them?"

I couldn’t answer- I mean, I know what Charlie and Alex are like they were not going to take this well. “I don’t know Phil- all I know is you can’t hide forever you know? You can’t keep lying to yourself”

He sighed a deep, irritable sigh- he knew I was right. “Yeah- you’re right, I just- how? How did you come out?” He asked looking at me properly now.

"I guess I hinted then ended up blurting it out" I slightly chuckled remembering all the hints I planted around the house- which lead up to my family thinking my little brother was gay and not me.

We sat there for a moment in silence. “Hey” I whispered “You wanna go play sonic?” I asked. His eyes gleamed and he nodded getting up. I stumbled up after him and set up my console. “I’m so gonna beat you” I laughed- trying to lighten the mood.

"In hell you’ll beat me!" He winked sitting down on the bed and taking the remote controller I gave him.

Hours flew by- without even realising it. The time was spent in a mixture of playing the game and shouting every time one of us lost,over cheering if we’d won and just general chatting away. He was so nice- I hadn’t realised this before but if we had the same friends, and same features we would practically be the same person.

"BOYS DINNER" My mum shouted from down the stairs. We paused the game and raced each other down, hitting one another and laughing all the way. The table was laid down and we sat next to each-other scoffing mouthful after mouthful.

"Hello you must be Phil" My mum said shaking Phils hand.

"Yes and thank you for this lovely dinner" Phil gestured to his half empty plate.

"That’s fine dear- hows your project going then?" She questioned- oops we had hardly done any of it.

"Um fine mum- we’re nearly half way" I lied shovelling another forkful of mash into my mouth.

"So I was wondering if you would like to stay tonight Phil- as it is Friday and you two seem to be having a lot of fun doing that project!" my mum beamed.

"Yes I would love that!" Phil smiled "I’ll just ask my parents" Phil took out his mobile and sent a quick text to his dad who replied nearly straight away saying it was fine.

We went upstairs after tea and I grabbed some pjs out of my drawer. “Here you go” I handed Phil a plaid pair of bottoms.

"Thanks" He said taking them.

Phil went to sit on my bed and I sat next to him. He started playing with the fabric of the covers, rolling it around in his thumb.

"Dan- could you do me a favour and not tell anyone about me? I mean I will tell them, just in my own time you know?" He quietly said, his voice wavering a little.

"Yeah sure- I promise" I smiled.

"Hey Dan"

"Yeah"

"I know I’ve been such a twat to you but-but can we be friends?" 

"Of course we can you melon! Now get changed" I laughed walking out the room into the bathroom were I shimmied of my own skinnys to replace them with my sweats. I walked back in after knocking to make sure Phil was decent too.

"So what d’you want to do tonight?" I asked sitting down next to him.

"I don’t know- you wanna watch a movie or something? what do you have?" He asked looking at my DVD shelf.

"How about Kill Bill?" I stood up and went over to my shelf picking up the yellow Kill Bill box.

"I love that film!" He smiled, perking up a bit.

I put in the film and sat down side ways on the bed, so his and our legs hung over the side. We watched, laughing at the jokes and gasps leaving our mouths every time a gruesome murder scene took place- it was actually the most fun I’d had in weeks.

When the film had ended it was past 11- not late, but nonetheless we were both exhausted from the day at school.

"Um is it ok if we share the bed?" Dan asked cautiously.

"Yeah sure". I threw him a pillow and snuggled down into the covers, a smile caressing my face.

"Night Dan" Phil slurred sleepily.

"Night Phil"