Heathens-Joshler

17

The crowd cheers our names like we're Gods. They wear our shirts, fly our flags. Josh's old drum set, which I went to his old bandmate's flat to get, has been dressed up and made his own. I myself stand on stage with a piano, a ukulele, and my own voice. The thrum of all of their voices runs through my veins, more potent than blood. But as good as this feeling is, standing under the bright light and having thousands of people scream that they love me, I know that all I really need is Josh.

    I look over at him, and smile. And he does too. And it's real. He looks so happy, it looks like his face is about to break. I look back out over the crowd. And I think about everything we've both been through to get here. And for once, I can accept that I deserve to feel good.

    Our tour ends, and we go home. We throw our bags down at the entry to our apartment. We could afford a better one, but we've turned this formerly sad and dejected place into our home. We've done the same with our own minds, I think.

    We cleaned all the windows and hung white lace curtains that don't even try to keep out the light. We painted the walls yellow, and blue, and colours that make the place look and feel cheerful.

    And we've filled the place with us. Pictures of us line the walls: on our first real, out-of-hospital date, on our half a year anniversary, our year anniversary, our five year anniversary. My art and his, happier than ever before, also line the walls.

    The walls are soaked with memories. I remember kissing Josh on the couch while we watched bad tv without really paying attention, I remember falling asleep on that couch, and Josh carrying me to bed. I remember falling asleep next to him on countless night, and him falling asleep next to me, kissing his forehead while he was sleeping just because I wanted to and knew that I could. I remember painting the walls with him, getting paint all over each other, and ultimately lying on the floor and kissing each other, covered in yellow and blue. I remember trying to cook him dinner an almost burning the apartment building down. Every resident had to stand outside until we were sure everything was safe, and I said sorry to Josh, but he just laughed and kissed my nose and let me wear his coat so I wouldn't get cold, then cuddled into me so he wouldn't get cold either, and so neither of us would be lonely.

    I remember coming back here after our wedding, how I carried him bridal-style over the threshold because why not? I look at our wedding photos now, and happy tears prick at my eyes.

    He comes up behind me and kisses my cheek, hugging me from behind. "I know I say it too much, but I love you." He says.

    "You couldn't possibly say it too much. I love you too." I say.

    And all is well, and nothing hurts.