Scoliosis

Body Image

So I figured during the long wait for my next appointment, I would do a chapter on body image. A lot of people with scoliosis struggle with this, so I thought I would include it. (Although I may go off topic and start ranting...you have been warned.)
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For a long time, I never really thought about how my back looked. I knew I had scoliosis. I knew my back wasn't completely normal looking. But how often do you really turn around and look at it in the mirror? Not often. So I never thought about it.

It actually didn't hit me until recently. I turned 15, and then was told I wouldn't have to wear the brace anymore (which would be good news, except that I probably need surgery). That day I got home from the doctor and looked in the mirror.

It hit me just exactly how abnormal I looked. I have quite the rib hump on my left side. On my back, my entire right side is rounded into a sort of hump, while my left side is flat all the way until the bottom...where there is a second, smaller hump. My shoulders and hips aren't quite even. You can see the ridges of my spine sticking out in certain places.

I feel self conscious whenever I'm in a bikini or a tight shirt. I hesitate to wear backless tops or ones that show too much. If I wear a risky shirt, I keep my hair down to cover it up. Even changing for PE in the locker room was a bit embarrassing.

But it's a lot of effort and stress that really isn't worth it. Trust me. Of course I'm a hypocrite and can't take my own advice, but for anyone else going through this: don't worry how your back looks. Wear what you want. Ignore the stares. It's never quite as bad looking as you think.

The same goes for wearing your brace out in public. I got so many stares when I wore mine, but you get used to it. People aren't as mean about it as you think they'll be.

Some days you'll hate life. You'll break down crying because everything sucks and why did the universe have to pick you?

I get it. It isn't normal; you don't deserve it. And it hurts. And people will try to ignore or invalidate your pain. They'll say it's not that bad or that they know exactly how you feel, when you know they don't. Just because we don't complain very often doesn't mean the pain isn't there.

But at the same time, it has to get better eventually. Life is made of highs and lows. This is just one of the lows.

So don't struggle too much with your body image, no matter how your back looks. As cheesy as it is, everyone is beautiful in their own way <3

(And if you're as worried about surgery as I am, there's at least one good thing about it: you'll look normal again! Clothes will fit properly, and bikinis will look good. You'll also gain an inch or two in height. So yeah, there's always a silver lining, no matter how small.)