The Boy Who Couldn't Cry

Chapter 2- Numbness Takes Hold

I had decided by that point, I wasn't going to make anymore friends. Every time I ever tried to make a friend, they ended up leaving, one way or another. It's probably better to not have any friends than to get close to them and have them give up on you in the end.

Plus, with friends, there's always more of a chance they'll betray you. You tell them your secrets, you let them in, then they know your weaknesses. It's easier for them to expose you. To hurt you.

That's what I told myself every day. That's what I tried to believe. I was justifying my actions. I was justifying my loneliness, and my disability to make friends. I thought I was just protecting myself from getting hurt, but little did I know, I was doing more damage than good at the time.

I had cut myself off from people. I didn't go to any school parties. I didn't sign up for any sports, or teen programs. I didn't join any clubs, or really do anything much.

Since there wasn't much I could do, I used my time to work on grades. When I had friends, I was a trouble maker and had terrible grades. But now, I had more time to work on grades, and there wasn't anyone to distract me. That was another reason being alone was better. I had the highest score for my grade and at the end of the year and got an award for my good work.

I told myself that not having friends was better. That they were distractions. I kept lying to myself. Brainwashing myself. Trying to convince myself that everything was okay. That I was okay. I wasn't. I was alone, and I was lost.

Every once and a while, someone would come and talk to me. Try to be my friend, or invite me to sit with them at lunch. I pushed every single one of them away. I was done being hurt, and eventually, everyone gave up on me. I was branded as "anti-social" and I probably was. But no one knew the real reason. They all thought I was shy, or I didn't like people. Although at this point, I wasn't fond of them. Being alone seemed better at the time. Less of a chance you'll get hurt. Less of a chance for people to stab you in the back. Less of a chance of loss.

But, there was also less of a chance for people to look out for you. Less of a chance to smile. Less of a chance to be there for others, and for them to be there for you. I was swimming alone in my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, and my emotions. I didn't know the damage I was causing on the inside. But it was all too much. I couldn't handle It myself I couldn't handle being alone, and keeping everything inside.

I had a mental breakdown everyday at times when I was alone. I cried myself to sleep every night, and talked to myself to distract from the emptiness. I did that for four months, until I decided.

What's the best way to defeat pain? I asked myself. Being numb.

From that moment on, I decided, I was going to become numb. No more emotions, no more feelings, no more loss, no more pain, and no more tears. I became an empty shell.