On a Leash

Epilogue - On a Leash

Epilogue – On a Leash

It was one of those sticky hot nights. The nights where you twisted and turned and peeled the cotton sheets from the back of your knees. Everything was always alive on these kind of nights, everyone was frustrated and anxious at never falling asleep. My window was thrown wide open and through it I could hear night noises; the sound of birds in the distance, cars speeding and that low hum of insects.

I groaned, I was impatient and needy and so, so tired. I wanted to sleep, that's all I wanted. My heart ached for sleep and for my mind to stop whirring with petty nothings.

From across the hall I could hear the theme tune to How I Met Your Mother playing and I could just picture Joel giving up on sleep and instead curled up in her duvet her laptop perched on her nightstand and in the crook of her arm that chewed up doll she had dragged around since she was two.

I wasn't like her though, I wouldn't give up that easily. And even if I did I would never look as flawless as she would in the morning, hell I didn't know if I would be able to pour milk into my cereal bowl straight without at least five hours. On less hours Joel would be able to pick a new victim, get a few hours of tormenting and then go to her yoga lesson without falling asleep during the relaxation period.

I turned towards my clock and squinted at the low-light setting. It was four, give it another half an hour and it would be light outside. I wanted to weep at the thought. How was I ever going to look normal tomorrow? How was I going to look good enough so that people don't cry in horror seeing my face?

Maybe a drink would help.

I flung the sheets away, the air settling behind being described at best lukewarm. I pulled on a t-shirt over my half naked body – I had to strip down to my pants in this heat – and headed to the kitchen. With the door open, Joel's programme was a lot louder than expected and I could hear the impatient sighs coming from Mum's room. It won't take long for her to march in and snap at her.

I didn't do anything though, there was still a part of me that wanted Joel in the shit, constantly in the shit. But I settled on saying something if Mum hadn't come out before I made my way back upstairs.

Walking downstairs didn't make any difference to the uncomfortable heat, neither did my feet touching the tiles. I sighed, if cold enough, I would have happily fallen asleep on the kitchen floor.

I let the water run, hoping giving it some time that it would lower a few degrees. I found a banana in the fridge, remembering what Mum had said once about some article saying something in bananas made you sleepy. I filled my glass with water and sat myself at the bar stool. I already knew my legs would peel off in that stinging motion they had on the leather sofa this afternoon.

I ate, staring out of the window and taking sips with each bite. All along the street there were lights on, and there was some comfort in the fact that I was not the only one miserable. A car drove past the window, casting lights that reflected off the surfaces Mum slaved over to make shiny. The engine shut down not far away and with the lack of the hum I could hear the barking of a dog, I could imagine Mrs Conan across the road pleading sweetly for her little Westie to hush.

I walked to the front door and sat on the step. There was no wind tonight, nothing to relieve the heat but it was somewhat cooler on the step. I watched the street, across the road I could hear giggling from the toddler that played on the rope swing on the front lawn. Through the window you could see her jumping from one sofa to the other whilst her older brother ran after her helplessly, it was going to be a long night for him.

I sat there for a while, not wanting to go back into the oven just yet. The giggling seemed to fade until there was silence and I watched the brother pull a blanket off the back of the sofa and supposedly onto his sleeping sibling. That barking that started a while ago was a thing of the past and slowly the lights in every house turned off. I was alone again.