You're The Only Friend I Need

Buzzcut Season

                   

WES

"You know," I shout, trying to be heard over loud, thumping music. "If I knew the lyrics to this song you'd hear me more than the actual singer!" As I shout, the neon lights flash past the laughing face of my old time friend, Joslyn. We had been dancing with new people all night and together drank countless drinks thanks to Nova's bailout fund. I had meet some nice looking people, and the more I drank, the more attractive they became.

"I see who you're looking at," I hear Joslyn say as the next song begins. "Go for it, what are you waiting for?" She shouts while gesturing to a guy a few feet away.

Wait, a guy? No.

"What? You think I'm looking at guy? Joslyn, I'm straight..." I say, instantly turning my back to the guy I was caught looking at.

"God Wes," Joslyn replies, with an exaggerated eye roll to assist her annoyance. 'How much alcohol is it going to take to pull you out of the closet?" She asks, laughing.

Her joke takes me by surprise as I am left speechless. The smile disappears from my face and the alcohol that previously pulsed through my veins seems to dissolve instantly as I feel myself sober up. I open my mouth in attempt to reply to her thoughtless joke, but like I said, I am left speechless. I turn away from her and start heading to the bathroom.

I focus my attention on the overwhelming EDM music as it drowns out Joslyn. I knew she was probably apologizing and asking me to turn around, but I couldn't. I couldn't return to that dance floor after what she said, and it wasn't her fault.

I couldn't return because she was right. I was looking at that guy she was talking about, despite my denial. I was ignoring it, as I always do. And I guess I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought I was. Joslyn seemed to read me like a book.

Now before you go assuming anything, I'm not gay. I was raised straight and I could never date a guy. My family would disown me and I could never live as a gay man.

You are, though.

"No, no. I can't be..." I whisper through now teary eyes. I was approaching the drinking fountain by the bathrooms. I knew I was lying to myself, but I had no choice. If I even was gay, keyword 'was', I wouldn't ever come out to my family. My father would be so ashamed and my brother would never look at me the same. It'd be a suicide mission.

I collapse against the wall beside the drinking fountain and start balling.

"Will I ever be happy?" I whisper again to myself through more tears, this time asking a hopeless question.

Yeah, I find guys attractive. But I never could show one that I think they are. I could never date one. So I couldn't be gay, right? It's just a phase, right?

"Oh really?" I hear a flirtatious voice ask close by. I look up to see Cassidy pulling some guy by the belt loop toward the women's restroom. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He laughs in return to Cassidy's playful behavior and my heart melts. His features were gorgeous and his jawline could cut-

God. Help me.

"Lucky," I whisper without thinking. Slowly, I realize what I just carelessly said and bury my face into my hands. Automatic, home-grown disgust then takes over my mind. Thoughts of what my family would think bring me back to self-loathing and I start to cry again. However, I soon realize my tears were now gone, despite my depression and annoyance being still, ever-so present.

"Keep lying to yourself," I hear Joslyn say calmly from above my position on the ground. I look up, probably with an unsightly appearance from crying, at my best friend who gives her trademark I-see-that-your-life-sucks-and-I-hate-that frown.