When It Started

TWELVE

My brain short circuited for a moment and I froze. I could tell Julian was starting to freak out because he began back peddling. "You don't have to tell me you love me back, I just wanted you to know. Wanted you to know you mean so much to me. And uh -"

I sat up and scratched my head. "That's - that's really cool to hear, Julian." I mentally smacked myself. That's cool? What the fuck was I thinking?

I could see Julian's face fall a bit and he sat up and pulled a sheet around his middle self-consciously. I felt like an asshole right then and there. His eyes looked kind of sad and I couldn't stand it; I leaned over to kiss him softly and wetly on the mouth, our lips sliding against each other. I tucked a strand of hair behind his ears while we kissed and I felt him pull away. I looked into his face, searching for anything. He turned his head away. 

"Julian," I began. He lit his cigarette and sucked in a deep breath, not looking directly at me. I gently moved his face to mine, to look him square in the eye. "I really appreciate what you said. I'm - I'm not sure if my heart is ready for love just yet but I feel very deeply for you too."

Julian's face looked solemn. He nodded sadly, kissed the corner of my mouth quickly, and began to get up to change. I felt awful. I think I might love Julian but my fucking heart, man. It's always fucking things up for me. I feel too much hurt from Ade. 

We dressed in silence and Julian checked his phone to see the time. "It's 5:45. Gotta get to sound check soon. Gig's at 9pm."

We left the room together quickly and our silence still deafening. Downstairs the rest of the guys and Amanda were waiting for us. When I caught Amanda's eye, she raised a slight eyebrow at me and I mouthed 'Tell you later', to which she nodded her head and let Nick pull her into the van next to him. Julian and I were the last to get in and I was squished against the window, my face pressed against the cool glass watching the scenery zoom past me.

The show that night was amazing, as always. I had a feeling though that Julian put more into this show than usual, perhaps from the hurt I caused him. I kept to the side of the dark stage, watching the band with Amanda, who beamed the entire time. After the band had finished up the set and packed away their stuff, we went to a bar next door to have celebratory beers. Amanda pulled me aside to the bathroom for girl talk. I knew she was dying to know what happened.

"Elise, babe, what the fuck happened earlier between you and Jules?" She demanded as soon as the door closed behind us.

I sighed. "And don't tell me you don't want to talk about it, either. We all know some shit went down," Amanda added.

"Julian told me he loved me after we had fucked."

Amanda's mouth formed a perfect O shape. "Wow," she finally said.

"Yeah." I agreed, pulling out a joint to light up. I took the first hit and passed it to her, which she sucked in deeply and let the smoke exhale slowly in tendrils around her face.

"I don't think we've ever really seen Julian fall so fast for someone before you," Amanda noted. "It must be really something if he told you he loved you. And what did you say?"

I took another hit off the joint. "I told him that it was nice to hear that."

Amanda's face fell. "Oh fucking hell, Elise," she reprimanded.

I winced. "I know! I know. It was so sudden. Cliche, too. Seriously Amanda, right after we fucking came Julian tells me he loves me? I wasn't sure if he was caught up in the moment or not."

"Who fucking cares about that? Do you love him back?" Amanda asked.

I paused a bit. "I... I think so. Isn't it too soon though?"

Amanda shrugged. "I don't believe in shit like that," she said simply. "If you love someone you tell them. I've learned a lot from holding back."

I looked at the joint burning away in my hand slowly. Hate to admit she had a point. "I kind of fucked it up but not saying anything right away, though," I sighed.

She shrugged again. "Maybe you did, but maybe you didn't. You won't know until you two sort it out. C'mon, we can talk later. Let's go out there before the guys get suspicious."

Back at the bar, the rest of the guys were sitting around a circular booth. Nick looked up at her and smiled warmly; he slid an arm around her shoulders and he kissed the top of her head. "You two reek of weed. Were you smoking in the ladies. room?" He asked slyly, taking note of our glassy eyes. 

I caught Julian's stare at that point. He looked really, really drunk. His face resembled the saddest puppy I'd ever seen and I felt like shit. I mumbled an excuse to go to the bar to get a fresh drink. As I waited for my negroni, I saw Julian slide up next to me at the bar, signaling for another beer.

"Hi," I said uneasily.

"Hey," he said equally unsure.

Silence again.

"Julian, I'm sorry about earlier -," I started but he cut me off.

"It's fine. You have to learn to love me right? It's okay." 

I looked at him questioningly "I do really, really care about you. I just feel fucked up from my last relationship and need to self-preserve. But I want to tell you I love you back and mean it. Truly."

Julian's face softened when I said that and he took my hand in his. His hands were so huge, they could wrap around mine twice. I anxiously ran a thumb in a circle around the top of his hand and he brought my hand up to his mouth to kiss it. "You don't have to say it now, Elise, but I look forward to the day you do."

I grinned and stood up on my tippy-toes to kiss Julian. He grabbed my waist and lifted me up slightly, pressing my body tightly against his, kissing me fully. A hand was brought up to my face to brush my cheek and ran his fingers through my hair. His tongue plunged into my mouth and our kiss became so heated that when we were done, the drinks were already set in front of us and I found myself leaning back onto the bar which Julian's arms caged around me, his wide hips holding me in place. We laughed and grabbed the drinks and found a dark corner to sit.

I couldn't help but keep kissing him in that dark corner, our lips were furiously working in tandem. He laid down and brought me on top of him, our bodies pressed so close and tightly. His hands wandering up the back of my top and I lightly rubbed my hips against his, which caused him to buck his up gently.

When we broke away for breath, Julian laughed lightly. "Let's go back to the hotel," he whispered huskily. I nodded eagerly and we downed our drinks quickly and caught a cab back to the hotel.  Staring at Julian's face in the darkness, with only the occasional street lamp illuminating his face, I felt like that goal of telling him I loved him back would come sooner than later.