Dull, is how I describe my life. I've been living in this society for twenty-three years and I still don't know what my purpose is. Everyone says that I'm very lucky that I have this life, but am I really lucky? I'm currently studying in a prestigious school, have been learning different languages, have a very kind and generous parents and a loving brother, financially stable, but why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel that there is something missing? Why do I feel so dull?
I've just finished watching today's new premiere movie and on my way to visit a friend, when I heard a commotion at the corner of the street. It's like two people are arguing. But nosing is not really my business that's why I continue walking. Is there anyone here who can speak English?, someone exclaimed. I instinctively looked back to where the commotion is, and saw a guy desperately trying to explain himself but he can't. He doesn't look Japanese, maybe he's a tourist. He looks frustrated and at the same time lost. I can't blame him for feeling that way. It is very rare that someone knows the English Language here in Japan, only the ones who studied knows it very well. I continued walking. He isn't my business, a lady shouldn't save a man; he should be the one saving a lady.
After my visit, which really didn't take too long, it is time for me to go home. A lady shouldn't be outside her house after three in the afternoon. My parents will be upset if I go home so late. As you can see, my every day is scheduled, that's why sometimes I think that I am a robot; that I am program to just do the same things over and over again. My life is very boring, very dull. The only thing that I enjoy so far in my every day is the garden beside this sidewalk. The beauty of it calms me, and makes me smile to myself. Every afternoon, I'm taking the same route so that I can always see this garden. I was enjoying my view when I saw the guy from this morning, the one who's arguing with a Japanese man. He looks a little tired but still, dashing. I can't help but to stare at him. He has a very unique appearance and something in him makes me want to walk to him and greet him. But then I remembered what my mother said, that a lady shouldn't look in the eyes of a man she doesn't know, that's why I avoided his gaze and continued to walk. He's not from here and he doesn't know our family's tradition. People like him shouldn't be worth my attention, right?
But our fate always cross. Every afternoon, passing by the garden, I would always see him across the street like he's waiting for someone. I don't know why but I'm getting used to it and sometimes I even think that he's actually waiting for me, which is a very weird idea. Plus I really don't know why, but my heart is actually racing these past few days every time I think of him. Last time I check, there's no complications in my heart, so why? Why does my heart keeps beating faster? Just like today. There he is again, just across the street, looking as dazzling as ever. And my heart, is becoming abnormal again. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Having affection for him is wrong, very wrong, but what can I do? My heart doesn't follow what my mind tells. There's a rumor spreading that he is just another playboy, but despite knowing that, my feelings for him remains the same, untamed.
Instead of focusing my gaze at him, I just look at the garden beside me. Maybe by doing this, my heart will be calm. But then, the gardener politely smiled at me and signaled somebody to come over. And before I knew it, my heart is beating fast again. No, maybe even faster than before. My senses are going numb. I don't know what to do. He suddenly smiled at me and offered his hand. "Good Afternoon, miss. I'm Joseph." Is this true? Is he really introducing himself? What am I going to do? Should I smile at him like the way his smiling at me? Should I also introduce myself? Oh my, I'm so nervous.
Instinctively, I shook his hand and smiled at him. "I-it's very nice to meet you, J-joseph. I'm Sei." This is just embarrassing. I've stuttered! But what he said next really made me speechless. You're more beautiful up close, Sei. I don't know how to respond. The way he said that line is very sincere. It's like his heart is talking. It is the very first time that I've actually look straight into the eyes of someone I've just met, given that he's a man. And it's my first time to be actually in love. From that day on, he would always visit me at our house and I would teach him Nihonggo, the language here in Japan. We would go watch the newest movie together and we would walk down by the garden together. I've gotten to know every part of his personality but I'm aware that he's got a playboy record, and trust me, I'm planning to change that personality of his. I can feel that our feelings are mutual, I can feel that he also loves me.
One night, I confessed to him; about my feelings for him and all. And although I know what he's going to say, I was still surprised when he also confessed to me. That night was the happiest day of my life; the happiest night of my very existence. But I didn't expect it to be gone so soon. The next day, Joseph didn't come to our house. I've waited for him all day and all night but he didn't came. He was gone. Then I found a letter near my bedroom and it is addressed for me. When I opened it, tears started to fall. I love you, Sei, but I need to do something important. Believe me, I would like to settle down here in Japan, with you, but I can't. At least not this moment, someday Sei, maybe someday. I have something to do first. I love you, so much, Sei that I don't know if I can love another woman just as much as I love you. I will never forget the memories that we've shared together. I will never forget your love for me. I will never forget you. I love you but goodbye, Sei. Goodbye.
I cried. I don't know how long but I know that this will take some time to heal, if it will ever heal. He was my first and it feels like he's going to be my last. My dull and boring life became colorful and full of happiness thanks to him, but what about now? Will my life still be happy without him? Years have passed and I'm still waiting for him. I'm never going to lose hope, I know he will come back, I know he will.
But news traveled fast. I found out that he finally moved on, finally have another woman, but leave her hurting; just like what he did to me. That's when I realized he' still the same. I thought I could make him change; make him stable about love and emotions, but I was wrong. I didn't change him. I'm just another victim of his play. News doesn't get past me. Every girl of his, every heartbreak, every word of deportation, every promise, every remembrance, was told to me by my brother. He said I should forget him and find another guy who can replace him in my heart. I tried, so many times but it just doesn't feel right.
Until one day, I found out that he was hospitalized and has a grave disease and only has a few days to live. I was very eager to go to where he is right now, so I packed my things and immediately book a flight but then, my brother forbid me. He made me realize that it's not worth it; that he was not worth it. He said that Joseph have a woman, and they are going to have a child. He said that there were rumors that they have been married. All my feelings from that moment went blank. I thought we could make it, I thought that it was us that were meant to be, but again, I was wrong. The day after, he died, the same time my emotions died. I just wish that he could take away my love for him; get them and be buried with him but he can't. He just can't.
Sabi ng utak ko sa'yo:
Hello. :) This is based on the love story of Seiko Usui and Jose Rizal, although minodernized ko para mas masaya diba? Haha. Nahalungkat ko lang sa drafts ko and just thought it might be a good read.
Thank you for reading. And sorry kung mali-mali ang grammar ko. Trying hard lang ang peg. Feel free to comment. :)
-Loanne.
