Dear July

5

24.07.16

Dear July,

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I hope you haven't been too lonely.
It's late here, but as usual, I can't seem to get to sleep. I often lie awake thinking about everything and nothing.
What do you think about July? Do you think about tomorrow? Do you think about yesterday? Or are you content to simply take things as they come? I wish I could be calm like that. But I'm probably one of the least calm people I know. I'm always anxious and worrying about things. And if I'm not worried about something, then I feel like I should be, and I worry about nothing because I haven't got something to worry about instead. It's very exhausting. Which brings me back to the whole not-sleeping thing.

It kind of sucks.

There are some days, July, where I simply cannot muster the energy to get out of bed and do something purposeful with the day. I always feel guilty for this complete waste of time, but my limbs feel so heavy and it requires so much effort to move, to force myself to be a normal human.

I don't really feel normal. Mostly I'm just faking it. And you know, I'm probably going to regret writing all of this down tomorrow, but right now, if I'm being perfectly honest with you, I don't know who I am or what exactly I'm doing here. And I've screwed up so many times and let down so many people and I wish I could do everything all over again, or better yet, do none of it again. And now I feel like I'm falling while everyone else is flying and I just don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it because there's no one here to catch me and I'm absolutely terrified.

So please, July, pray for my sanity.

Until Tomorrow,

E xx