15.08.20
Dear July,
My mind is full. I wish I didn't worry about the future so much. I'm tired of thinking about it but my head can't stop coming up with worst-case scenarios and I just want a minute of peace. What do you do when you're so anxious you feel like a balloon about to burst from the tinest change in pressure?
I'm crying my way through happy movies because I don't know if I'll ever find that. There are so many uncertainties and I think I'm supposed to be excited and content but I'm terrified. What if I don't get a job next year? What if I never publish a book? What if I end up alone? What if I don't fulfill my potential? What if I fail?
Fear is an ugly companion. It hides the best parts of you from yourself and holds a funhouse mirror to your worst, making your flaws seem more than they are.
I want to be happy and free but I don't know how to get there. I think I might have to fall into a few potholes and go through some thorny fields along the way. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy. And I guess that's how you know it's worthwhile and how you know you're happy. Because you have something unhappy and unworthwhile to compare it to. Those people who cut your heart, those things that bruised you, they don't matter at the end of the day.
As a wise person once said, love isn't black or white or red. It's golden.
It's the dawn.
I think I've already been through my night so I guess the dawn is coming soon.
Until another day,
E.
YOU ARE READING
Dear July
Non-FictionA poem? A letter? A time capsual? This project is somehwere in between. Inside you'll find the somewhat crytpic but mostly honest musings of a writer, artist and coffee adict. -- These letters are part of a long-term time-capsual project and are u...
