not edited bc im emotional as fuck right now
ok so i dislike my family. they are over bearing, they hate the things i love. they are homophobic, they annoy me and tease me and comment in how tight my jeans/short look.
yeah, they have their ok moments. the moments where everything is fine and i dont feel under scrutiny.
walking the dog, pokehunting, watching a show that we all like.
rare.
take tonights dinner, that i just excused myself from 5 minutes ago.
we were arguing bc my middle brother was home. actually, it wasnt even arguing. we were almost debating, but not. those with siblings probably know what im talking about. we got scolded by my dad.
a fee minutes later it started up again and we were scolded.
i looked out the window and a squirrel was on the bird feeder, and i said something about it. this causes a few jokes and tyler and dad saying 'squirrel' and making the dog pop her head up. the dog was let out to scare the squirrel and ran straight past the feeder. the squirrel still ran away, and then came back again a few moments later.
the dog was let out and completely missed the squirrel. squirrel ran off and came back. she missed it, and dad was literally trying to direct it. she looked, and went in the complete opposite direction.
this caused me to laugh.
one thing that you should know about me, is once i laugh it gets me in a giggly mood where anything, the smallest, slightest thing, can set me off. and then its hard to stop.
extremely hard.
but i managed the one outburst.
until another one came.
i dont even know what set me off.
my dad made a comment and it just started.
i was taking a drink at the time so i was trying to keep everything from spilling everywhere as it spilled out of my mouth.
dylan made a comment. tyler then.
dylan again.
and then my mom.
"oh my god, gross."
"stop. thats disgusting!"
"we are eating. you need to stop"
and that completely shut me up.
not to mention had me to where i wanted to cry.
and made my happy mood, one where i was laughing so hard my eyes were watering and for once, once, i didn't hate family dinners.
i spent the rest of dinner trying to control the tears that were no longer happy.
and i know i shouldnt feel this way.
that at least i have parents who do these amazing things and let me have the things that i want (on occasion) and aren't incredibly strict or incredibly laid back but i cant help it.
my family makes me want to rip myself apart.
to not exist.
because at least with friends, theyd try to get me to stop by pokeing me. or trying to calm me down. or understand that sometimes i cant. and they make more jokes or say something.
"maybe staring will make them laugh harder. "
"ok ok. but seriously. salami. "
"youre such a pen"
inside jokes and secret smiles, but at least they are fucking kind. at least they dont make me want to fucking cry or tear a hole in my chest or stop fucking feeling shit because at least then i wouldnt want to cry. at least then i could feel what the fucking comments make me feel.
like shit.
