Lies

3 -Hatin' it-

SCHOOL STARTED :
Here comes the first day . the school #7 , new shit again . hope it wont be like the others .
That scared me . i was afraid of them judging me . i was a half shaved head . wearing black tshirt , black pants , black jacket , black converse and a blue bagback that i take everywhere . I love black so much .
At least it makes me invisible . not same as wearing bright colors it doesn't fit me anyway.
So what can i do , i just go into the class and look for a seat . i sat at the end of the class to not noticing a weird kid .
I didnt talk to anyone that day . i didnt like the school anyway . not how i love school to be .
But nothing to do then , its too late . 
People there were dumb . i knew it . just by their faces .
The mean x the "popular squad" x the nerdies x the stupids ..
I wont join any of them . just talking to me . to myself , thats much better .
Going back home. I was tired . just wanted to lay on bed and listen to my music . that helps me a lot . i mean it like A LOT !!
There were nothing happened at school , i was invisible anyway . no one cared .
That what i wanted anyway .
I always was the person that knows everyone and everything but no one knows about him .
I like that , its like watching a movie . You don't even exist .
People always came to me , for hugs , to listen to them , to help them . everyone liked laying on my shoulder . i was pretty fat tbh . and still.
This year i hadn't the power to do anything . i had bad grades . i was just thinking at the class i didn't talk at all . i never told my things and i just think its better that way .
I didnt like to live in this world . so i went to the internet and i just made one that i feel comfortable in . somewhere that im only surrounded by what  i love . but it was kind of the same .
After my suicide attempt they took me to the therapist , i was happy cz i wanted to meet him , ive told mum that i want to but she didn't care as usual .
Yea , so it was really cool talking to him .
He asked about every thing but i just told him what i want him to know . he gave me some meds , how come taking them to just feel happy stupid i know but that's what he said .
It sucks , cz you feel like a freak like you are not like the others .
Life changed completely , i loved loneliness . no friends no family no one . just me and the bollocks .
When they knew at school of my mental illness they laughed on me , i am crazy the crazy one that's what they said . i liked cause i just didnt want to be like them anyway .
And now its the summer .
Nothing special happened just the school things .
I hated the classes , i hated lunch time , i hated everyone and everything there .
At lunch i found it better to fast cause i disliked it when they look at me . yeah like they are saying i am fat enough to eat . so better to not .
I hated when i was at the school bus too . same shit , i had a " friend " she didn't find who to tell her things so i was that person , she sat always next to me . she was cool , i liked her personality so much , she is funny , she is perfect i miss her anyway . i was so shy , i never talked at class just to answer or give them something . i am sorry for that people i looked like a freak .
Who cared , they all think that i am who choosed all this , that i am happy with being in this darkness i know it won't be forever . nothing lasts forever .
This year passed so fast , i knew many things and saw so much .

(So sorry guys i just write from time to time , its not fun or enjoying but just like i said , i just want to write it out )

At least no one ever noticed my scars , that friend was holding me and it just fucking hurts when they are new .
I couldn't tell her , she knew at the end but i was so surprised that she didn't ask about it or anything , she didn't talk about it at all .
Weird
I loved having scars , i loved cutting i only found i m addicted to it when i wanted to stop its not good but it made me feel better even if its just for a while .

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Thank you so much if you are reading i know anyway that no one will !!
   :)

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