I ate dinner last night...
First meal
Since saturday morning
Actually
I don't quite remember
But anyways
Don't worry
I'll lose weight before you see me
I'll be small
And lovely
I mean you say I am
But I really will be now
I won't cry when I get dressed
Because I won't look
As ugly
You'll wrap your arms around me
And lift me up
Like I'm weightless
You'll smile
Because your girlfriend
Will be beautiful
My stomach is fat
My thighs are fat
I have so many stretch marks
So many scars
How could I not hate myself?
How could you want to see me
When I look
Like this?
Why is everyone else so much
Better
Than me?
Why do I hate myself?
Why can't I be good enough?
I'm going to stop eating again...
Maybe then I'll feel pretty
Will it?
I want you to say that it won't...
That I look fine the way I am
But I don't think I'd believe you
Will you visit me in the hospital?
Probably not
If I stop eating they'll take me
Will it be worth it?
I'm sick
Its getting bad
I shake a lot more now
And my body jumps a lot
Almost as if I'm having a seizure
But not quite
My chest hurts
I fall down if I stand up too fast
But I'll be good enough...right?
Will you still love me?
Will you love me more?
Or will you leave...
I don't want you to go
I miss you
This entire poem is a mess
Just word vomit
I don't even know why I continue
But screw it
I love you
Oh god how I love you
People can't handle me
But you've stuck around
Even though I don't deserve it
I'm sorry
For everything
I try really hard to make you happy
But I can't
I don't know the right words to say
And sometimes you say you're ok
But you're not
And I don't know how to help you
If I don't know
I'll hold you until you feel better
And hold your hand through it all
You can call me whenever you're sad or upset.
I'll listen
I don't care how much I hate myself
As long as you're ok
I just want you to be ok
So this was a poem for you
But I doubt you'll ever read it
If you do
Just know that I love you
And I'll always be here
Even if you stop loving me
Even if I can never love myself
