Musings of a 16-year old

Chapter 4: Loss

8th Entry: Loss

Diary, I just found my poker cards! I haven't touched those cards in YEARS. 

I used to be able to do many tricks. The doublelift, the 27 card trick and so much more. It used to be one of my pasttimes, making people be in awe of a deck of 52 cards. But I forgot most of them as I entered school.

This gave me a sense of nostalgia and thus I will continue the story of my past to fulfil my hunger for it.

Last time I wrote, I was just wondering if I was in love with Anna. That scene of her being an angel was stuck in my 9 year old head.

What a tender memory it was, her smile on her lips, her waist length hair, the tingling sensation of her fingers.

With that memory in my mind, it hungered me. It motivated me. It made me stay in a school which I hated.

I wanted to know her.

I wanted to love her.

I wanted her to love me.

And so I prepared the Ultimate Plan.

The confession.

I started decorating a card, started the planning for that day. I started saving money for a Western dinner to treat her to.

I started to deepen the relationship between me and her. We started to go out more, study more (we were nerds after all), play more. I introduced her to my favorite game, League Of Legends, and she introduced me to her favorite book, Catcher in the Rye.

P. S: She's a Diamond player now. May her friends thank me.

She started to tell me her secrets. Her greatest fears. Her private opinions. I comforted her. I told her mine as well, so she would know that I understood her. She would know that I knew her.

She would accept it.

I calculated every action. She was mine.

What I didn't calculate was her side.

It was 2 days to the confession. I was again at her house, talking to her, trying to understand her. She was off today. Her smiles weren't the same, her body language was awkward, her actions were clumsy. I had thought nothing of this until she said:

"I need to talk to you."

She was migrating.

She was leaving Singapore at the end of this year to Australia. Her parents jobs had been relocated there due to a new foreign outlet.

As she continued saying things and jargon I didn't understand, I blanked out.

I couldn't think.

How could this happen to me?

"... we can still contact through Facebook"

It's not the same.

"...we won't lose the friendship we have"

We will.

"... are you okay? "

No I wasn't.

But I couldn't show that. Those eyes of startling blue, pleading for forgiveness. Her body language, asking for me to understand.

I couldn't break her heart.

"Yea, I am okay. Keep In Touch! " I said.

Seeing the relief on her face was probably the only reason why I didn't break down into tears.