I . Am. A .Mess

all about me

I have been on about my friends and deeply forgot that i existed such a silly soul I am.My name is Derec Stubbunfield , 17years of age. most say I'm geek but I find myself not the smartest maybe amongst. I was in the school council then elected for head boy and house captain then later on became swimming captain. This it the public image I mostly portray but the real is more than just this.

I really tend to overthink things no matter the quantity because I got used to be insecure and always staying alert. I question my soul a lot and I don't really label myself in any shape or form, because who I am at the time can change just the same way we cant stop time and the way things change even without us wanting them to, they still do.

After 2 years of wondering who I really am , for the time being I came with a term "biromantic" that's what I think I am not surely though, well I do love women and want them both emotionally and sexually but I'm also attracted to the male side but more of just romance wise nothing else, its really complicated but throughout my experience it aided me understand myself better and that's the term I came to closure with. im still not sure but it will keep my mind off from the questions and wondering. Maybe me liking guys is just a curiosity ; like what it feels like to be in love with guy but never thought of it deeply or thoroughly like what if  they would want more than just a companion or someone not only to share a connection with but to be intimate too,i guess people have needs ...you can understand why i try avoid this thing ,its too deep to bear and quite complicated and hard to explain.

I also tend to get attached to guys more than girls for some reasons and its easy for me to fall for one than it is to fall for a girl because if I fall for a girl its more than temptations and lust but love that I have for them and desire for us to have something real over a long time. I seriously feel like a freak or something, like i must be the only one with such emotions or feelings alike.

Over the past few years I did fell for my best friend Devin but again it was more of a crush like. all I wanted was to have his attention anytime I need and feel the love and care whenever I'm lonely or need reassurance he's there to provide, so you see its such sort of thing but never thought of them any further than this. Yes! ,I would kiss him and hug, cuddle and all sort but nothing too intimacy than that...

and also fell for my other best friend , she was such a darling and quite extraordinary to my eyes, it took me a year to realize that I loved her even though clues were laid out to me , I still was in denial but as the time got by and I felt more drawn to her. I was always jealous of the small little things like: another guy making her smile or laugh, her holding another guy or her dancing with another guy. I felt pain and anger but never showed it because we didn't have any tittle to us .

And now this Liaison, who I haven't even known for more than a year and I'm having mixed feelings for. like is it just because he's approachable ,funny or has cute smile and he would always annoy me and not anyone else, I am not sure maybe its just his way of showing love like bromance but whatever it is I promised I wont give in and let him win. I will drown my feelings turn it into something better because I cant risk him knowing or even the world for that matters because nothing is ever safe you see..

i'm quite a mess and complicated person but here's just the beginning wait till you see how deep it runs within my spiritual soul.