The Skinny Fat Girl

Me

Well.... hello. My name is Sacha and I am not the greatest human being to have ever walked this earth. Along with crippling social anxiety and a non-existent love life I also suffer with body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance, for example I can't stand my hips. If I could alter myself in any way I would get rid of my hip weight and give myself a flatter stomach. Well who wouldn't... we all have things we would like to change about our selves, if you love your body than that's amazing, I personally envy your confidence in yourself. Its great.

Growing up in the city of Portsmouth (England) I always found myself comparing my image to the thinner bitches who would often laugh when I would run out of breath in PE after jogging for 5 minuets. I mean I have never ever been skinny.... ever. Even at pre-school I can remember always being made to chase the other kids around when playing tag because they were thinner and I couldn't catch them... I mean who doesn't love to laugh at a fat kid trying to run....

Junior school was hell... I can always remember one girl called Paige who was the boys dream. Perfect long brown hair, rich (non-divorced) parents, perfect thin waist and a pair of legs I could never have even dreamed of having. Not a single cell of fat appeared to be on that girl... and I hated it. I was convinced that everything that was perfect in her life was a burden in mine, I had short stringy hair, divorced parents and enough cellulite to share around the whole of my junior school. But, there were some aspects of junior school I did enjoy such as my first boyfriend in year 3, I was convinced he was the one and our relationship lasted a happy 2 years, we never kissed on the lips but I'm not a very needy person so a peck on the cheek was enough to keep me smiling for days. But from love comes heart-break, my boyfriend (Darren) was always one of the popular guys who I never believed would fancy some fat girl like me... turn out that was true. Our relationship had turned out to be a dare all along and I know that in junior school people see relationships as silly and not to be proper relationships but I can tell you now... that was a proper heart break .

Year 4 to 5 was painful, the same tragic routine day in and day out. I would be awoken to find my parents yelling at each other for some silly reason or another, I have always been an independent person so getting myself dressed and ready for school was just another thing I got used to doing and didn't see it as much of a chore. I would and still to this day avoid any social interaction with my parents if possible. After prepping myself I would check on my 1 year old sister to see if she was injured again from any of the glass bottles or weapons of choice that would have been thrown by my parents in their daily drunken fight. I often thought about running away or would draw pictures of me with a perfect family but its just something I had to do without because this was my life and my family and its all I had.

After walking myself 2 miles to school, bearing in mind I was 9 and weighed 126lbs, it was a daily struggle and I would often arrive to school sweating and out of breath, to then be taunted by the school bully Jenna. Jenna was no pretty picture with her greasy hair and thick chavy accent, she often wore big fluffy hair bands and accessories that I can only presume were chosen by her mum. She would wait for me at the gate and ask me questions such as "hey fatty what Mcdonalds order did you get this morning?" or the most common one " When are you finally going to realise you are fat and change that?" . Despite the councillor telling me "Kids can be cruel" on a daily basis I still faced the challenges of being taunted to the point where I couldn't go outside anymore because my teacher was concerned about my safety... My only real friend was a girl called Gina and to this day she remains my best friend. She was with me through thick and thin but often kept her mouth shut when I was being taunted because she feared the bullies turning on her. I wouldn't rely on her for help anyway, I am very protective of my friends and people I love and the last thing I would want to do is put her in the way of bullies. I know the pain and the last thing I would want to do is put her in the way of harm or any form of scrutiny, she is a smart girl and the last thing I would ever do is get her confidence damaged

Year 6 was a whole different story, my parents finally decided to divorce after years of abusive and alcohol but I was still forced to visit my dad every weekend which was nice because he changed for the better. He stopped being abusive but still drank, but not as much. He would take me out for lunch or to the beach, I finally had a happy place, at my dads house.  But, during the week I was still stuck with the woman I was forced to call mum, to the social worker she was a sweet innocent woman who loved her children very much and cared for them immensely..... the lieing bitch couldn't look after a dead fish! She was still drinking like a sailor and I still was caring for my sister. Everyone seemed to stop with the Fat jokes though, apart from Jenna who would often taunt me with food that I was unable to eat because the only food my mum could afford was cheap, clearance products that were often out of date. But I let her comments slide and decided to be me for a while. I started going out at lunch and even made a few friends! Unfortunately, this wasn't going to last for even a week because I had a summer of weeks of being stuck indoors eating food and watching movies while my mum was at "work" and weekends of being in the sunshine and going to the beach with my best friend, my dad.