The Skinny Fat Girl

Part 4: New Me

Looking back on these memories is hard for me, but telling my story is a way of inspiring others to accept who they are, other wise change can end up being more damaging than fixing.

My depression grew worse and the number of scars grew on my wrists and thighs as I attempt to relive the pain. Watching the blood pour out of me and the sting of the water was my way of punishing myself for being this way. For being fat. I would have changed a long time ago but comfort eating was how I used to relieve my stress. Food was my only friend but that changed In year 9...

I can remember this day as clear as I remember my first heart break. It was the first day back of summer and my summer consisted of being indoors gorging on pizza to try and comfort myself over the fact I had no friends after my ones from junior schools moved to different secondary schools and Gina was now ashamed to be seen with me. My size had grown, I now weighed 200lbs and being 5'0 ft tall I looked like a bowling ball. The girls from school would often tell me I needed to lose weight as I squeezed in-between their desks to try and escape out the door to go hide in the toilets to give myself a break from all the looks from my taunting class mates. My anxiety would have me doubled over in panic attacks on almost a daily basis as the thought of facing people in the outside world made my stomach churn. But this day was different, I was more anxious than usual and decided to skip breakfast in case I threw up in front of all my peers and earned myself a different and more haunting nickname. I was in Geography with Mrs Eddington and my stomach growled hungrily, almost as if it was begging me for food. I decided to go to the toilet to calm myself down and see if I could somehow silence my groaning stomach. On the way my breath shortened and my chest felt heavy, I knew exactly what was about to happen.... anxiety attack. I hot footed it to the toilet in attempt to hide the tears from any passers by who happened to be in the corridors at the same time. I reached the toilets and threw myself behind one of the doors, threw the lock across to make sure It wasn't able to be opened and with that my head started spinning. This was no normal panic attack. I walked out of the toilet and dragged myself to the sink to throw some cold water on my face as I was getting extremely hot and flushed. The cold water felt like a wave of relief as I soon managed to catch some breath thinking I was lucky no one was in the toilet with me. Until the school mean girl Chloe decided to make an appearance with her little side slags who referred to themselves as "squad".  In attempt to conceal myself I tried to throw myself behind the nearest toilet door but tripped over my own feet and landed chest first on the floor. Pain concealed every part of me and I whimpered for help but Chloe was too busy crying with laughter, phone in hand, filming me struggle. My head started spinning again but this time worse, I had never had panic attacks this close together and I knew it meant something bad. My breath shortened and my chest felt heavy, my eyes were fighting to stay open but I let the darkness consume me to numb the pain. The last thing I heard was the school nurse burst through the door and demand to know what was going on... the only thing I could think was 'who got the nurse?'. Maybe I wasn't alone in that toilet like I thought.

I awoke in a hospital bed to be suddenly smothered in whiskey scented kisses from who I can presume was my mother. She was acting as if I was her little princess and that I was her world but her world consisted of 'work' and alcohol. The bright lights from the hospital were blinding, I slowly sat up and looked around, taking in the fact I was hooked up to multiple machines which were making all sorts of noises. The first though I had was that I could never show my face in school again as Chloe's video of my ultimate life fail had probably gone viral on every form of social media available. I wasn't safe anywhere anymore. A pretty big nurse walked in ,with a tray of food big enough to feed an army, she seemed shocked to see me awake.

"Hello gorgeous how are you feeling now" she chimed in a fake tone, I obviously knew she couldn't give two shits about how I was feeling she just wanted me to leave.

                                                                        "I'm okay I guess.. what happened I cant remember?"

"You passed out my lovely, a few panic attacks and you were flat on the floor. Were you aware of your social anxiety?"

                                                                                               "yes but I never knew It could be that damaging"

"Well that's a lesson learnt isn't it poppet. You need to eat up" She shoved this food in front of me and I immediately felt sick.

                                                                               "No. I'm not hungry but thanks for the offer" I stared In disgust at this pile of crap in front me.  I could hear my mum roaring with laughter at the fact I had said I wasn't hungry, but even the smell of food was now sickening. I don't know what happened when I passed out but I liked the fact I couldn't stand food. It meant I could be thin.

My mum ,after her laughing fit, leant over and told me she had texted my dad about what had happened and he was on his way to the hospital with my little sister. The fact she didn't mention his girlfriend made me happy, maybe everything was going to start to get better after this panic attack . I could finally be thin after my lack of appetite and my dads girlfriend wont be here to scrutinise me. The big nurse returned and told me that the doctor was able to discharge me because he couldn't find anything wrong In my test results, which was a relief.  As soon as the nurse finished her sentence my mum briskly walked out the hospital leaving me alone with a bunch of sick kids and no money for a drink. Now I just had to wait for dad and my sister to turn up. I wasn't allowed a phone because my dad feared people would take it or bully me via text, anonymously. At least if the did it in person I could identify them, not that he did anything about the kids that bullied me anyway.

30 minuets passed and I started to get worried because my dad house was only a 5 minuet drive from the hospital but I soon calmed myself thinking he might be having trouble parking or cant yet find me in this huge hospital.

1 hour passed and my anxiety was through the roof all I wanted was to be safe with my dad but he wasn't here to protect me and I was surrounded by a group of strangers who I'm pretty sure were staring at me. A voice came over the tannoy in the A&E ward to warn the emergency staff of 2 patients who were due to arrive after being in a horrific car accident, I blocked out the thoughts of what might have happened to those people and how badly they could have been injured. The doors of the emergency department were thrown open, two patients were smothered in blood and bruises, with a team of professionals yelling all kind of numbers at the doctor which I can only assume were to do with blood pressure and heart rate. Then it hit me a while after the patients were wheeled into the emergency department. That was my dad and sister. I froze. Unsure if I would ever be able to walk into that department. Then I overheard the doctors yelling. They were dead. Could I face seeing the lifeless bodies of my two sources of happiness in this world?

The answer is no. I shakily stood to my feet and couldn't feel myself walking out the doors into the darkness and just walked. I walked nowhere in particular just where my mind wanted to wander. I was now truly alone. I had no hope or happiness. I have nothing left. Apart from him.....