Loveless

Her Thoughts

'Dear Diary, I hate him. In all honesty I hate him. If I had thought us to having some kind of connection, I was damned wrong! Ugh! Was he really like that to begin with? I don't know!' I stop writing and slam the journal shut, placing it back underneath my pillow. I lay down on my back, grabbing the other pillow beside me and holding it against my face as I scream. I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe he did that! Was it amusing to play me for the fool? I didn't want to cry so I gripped the  pillow more against me, thinking about it rationally. If it even could be rationalized. I start to replay the scene in my head. I was pushed onto the bed at the hotel, Sebastian was taking off his shirt first. "What? After everything I've done for you, this is the least you can do." he complies. I couldn't help watching him. It's like my body was under his control and I felt sort of scared, but also in a sense that I didn't not like it, but I also kind of didn't want my first to be taken away like this. By the time I start to move, Sebastian comes over me and pins me back to the bed, holding both of my arms down. "Let go of me!" I cry out. "Why? I'm only getting to know you a little bit more." he responds. "What? I'm not that kind of woman!" I yell out, kicking my legs up with all my might. "Ow!" Sebastian shouts with pain, releasing his grip on my arms and climbing off me. Oh my gosh. My eyes grew wide coming to the realization of what I might had done. "Was this really necessary?" he struggles, holding a grip on his crotch. I had kicked him in his groin. Oh my gosh. I move to sit up, keeping my sight on him. "I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't be on top of me like that." I answer. "I wasn't really serious, I was just playing around." he explains, groaning with a pained expression. I don't know for fact if it was what he tried to do or what he said, but it didn't keep me from wanting to leave. I moved and got up from the bed. "Obviously. Maybe you don't take people seriously, the ones who want to get married eventually, later down the road and maybe that's why you yourself don't want to because you want to be a free man because you think you can get away with any woman you want...but one day you'll fall...deep. Your days will be numbered when you want to keep that one woman who's all important. You'll think she's just like every other woman who you've devoured in that bed of yours, but one day you'll realize...and it'll be too late." I explain, giving him a piece of my mind, in a very calm and stoic manner. I was hurt, but I didn't feel any bit of expression. Maybe I, myself, had realized that I was starting to fall for this man, but I couldn't, I didn't want any trace of feeling to show and with that, I just left the hotel and walked back home. Now I'm here, feeling kind of lost, gripping onto my pillow with every ounce of strength of my being. The thing I'm most mad at is that he couldn't even swallow anything I had told him. He couldn't even answer back and knowing it would be wrong and without feeling, I felt kind of sad that nothing more happened as I walked away. He didn't even come after me... Regardless of everything that just happened, I felt kind of happy being with him... I take a deep breath and move the pillow away from my face. I look over to the clock. It read: 12:14am. I guess he's really not coming after me at all. Were these how first crushes worked? Were they these painful. He's not coming after me... The next day, I had woken up by the light coming through my blinds from the window. I guess I had fallen asleep. I looked at the clock once more. It read: 11am. Did he really not come because all that I said to him? ... Weeks had passed by so quickly and Sebastian never came. It was then I knew, my chances of seeing him...were slim to none.