Player of the Game

Only You (Joshua Radin)

Jhoana. 

I MAKE MY WAY through the throbbing crowd with nausea washing over me as I walk uncomfortably. I think I got more unsteady on my feet than earlier.

This is so cliché of me. Or of any girl for the matter. Drinking waves and waves of mixed drinks to booze her lonely heart out.

Even that.

I don't even know why I'm lonely.

Bea and EJ kissing.

Bea and EJ kissing.

Bea and EJ kissing.

All right, maybe I know why. But what I don't know is am I at all entitled to feel this way?

I wish I could say I'm not bothered at all. I wish I could dodge the thought.

"Buddy," Oh, look at that. It's Riri drinking what seems to be an orange juice. Totoo ba 'tong taong 'to? "Ayos ka lang?"

"Yes, of course. Pero I think napapadami na yata naimon ko." I managed a weak smile.

There was a pause: a call for a palpable silence.

"So that thing that we saw—"

"Was definitely none of our business." I cut her short. Ayokong pag-usapan.

She just nods quietly and stares blankly at the floor. I found myself doing the same.

Look at us making a fool of ourselves over something we shouldn't have been thinking about in the first place. To think of it, we shouldn't have seen it. Ang tapang ko pa na sundan sila eh. Ano nga ba'ng iniisip kong gagawin nila do'n? Mag-cCandy Crush?

Putang ina naman, Jhoana, eh. Gamitin mo naman utak mo minsan. 'Yan hirap sa'yo eh. Konting na litanyahan ka lang ng magagandang salita no'ng isa akala mo mahalaga ka na. Akala mo, sa'yo lang din s'ya sasama buong gabi. Akala mo, magbabago na s'ya para sa'yo.

She just wouldn't stay with you just because you wanted her to. The game goes on for her.

Hindi gano'n. Hindi mo gugustuhing maging kaibigan ang isang tao dahil lang may gusto kang baguhin sa kanya. Kaya 'yang iniisip mo ngayon, irrelevant 'yan. Malungkot ka? Wala kang karapatan.

Kaibigan ka lang n'ya. Kaibigan ka lang.

'Yan ang hirap sa pagiging kaibigan, kapag may gusto kang mangyari o gawin hind pwede kasi kaibigan ka lang. Kung may gustong gawing katangahan ang kaibigan mo, wala kang choice kung hindi tanggapin na lang ang pwedeng mangyari. Kaibigan ka kasi. At tungkulin mong suportahan ang kahit ano'ng gusto nilang gawin. Kababawan man yan o ikasasama man nila, may karapatan silang maging masaya. Ikaw, sa sidelines ka lang.

Suporta lang— mag-aabang sa susunod n'yang gagawin.

You're not even allowed to do playing coach kasi sino ka ba to tell them what to do?

Again, kaibigan ka lang.

And they say being a friend is the easiest thing in the world?

Gago. Kung sino man ang nagsabi no'n ay hindi pa naging tunay na kaibigan sa kahit isang araw ng buhay n'ya.

"Puntahan ko lang si Ella," Tumayo na si Riri at nagpaalam. Tumango lang ako sa kanya.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at napansin kong sa paglalim ng gabi ay lalong dumami ang tao. Everybody's having fun, this is a night of celebration after all.

Ako lang ba ang wala sa mood magsaya? This world has rather developed the liking of excluding me.

Seeping in the cool wind of the midnight makes me feel how nauseated (and honestly drunk) I am. My vision was rather affected; I've started seeing double. Outlines of people have started mixing up and every color seems to be an afterglow of a distorted cable cartoon. How did I end up like this? I've never been drunk this way in a long time.