Lost Boys

Two

We kept eye contact for what felt like minutes before I even get the idea to run as fast I could down the hall to the stairs. I didn't look back and didn't hear any noise to suggest that I was going to be followed.  Standing at the top of the stairs I closed my eyes. I wasn't crying. I felt too stupid to cry over something that obviously didn't mean anything and something that was only in my head.

Once my breathing calmed down, I walked down like I had only taken a trip to the toilet. No one was going to know anything. They weren't going to know about the fool I had just made of myself, they weren't going to know about the loneliness that I put up with in my house and they weren't going to notice that Im going to head straight for the door and leave.

I looked around at the people, seeing everything:  The group of girls talking about a hot football player in the year above us, the boys trying to throw around a vase and Katie smiling up at tall blond guy.

I feel my brain has shut down. The only reason I came here was because I thought I had a chance. There was no point in staying here, no one here but Katie was really my friend.

The front door was already open and I just walked out into the night. The music is ringing through the open door but I continue down the road. Outside was a lot darker than it had been when I got here.

Round the corner from her house was a park that we often stopped at on our way back from school. This was the first place I thought to go to. I couldn't go home quite yet. My family would still be out but I found no desire to go back straight away.

I went straight to the swings. The seat was cold where my skirt was raised bearing my legs. I held onto the chain too, knowing that it would have the same cold sharpness. England always seemed to be cold but the nights brought the colder air. I looked up and saw all of the little stars pocking out of the dark night sky.

I knew I over reacting. He wasn't even mine. I just thought that he liked me back. It seemed that way. I always got on with guys but none of them ever saw me as anything other than one of the guys. Matt had been different, he would ask me how I was each morning in class or he would help me with work.

Now that I think about it he did the same thing with Katie. He was simply just being nice to me and it was me who thought that he was trying to get with me.

I buried my face in my hands. How could I be so stupid? When do I finally get something I want?

My phone bleeps in my bag. I bring my bag to my lap to get it out.

ONE NEW MESSAGE: KATE :)

Open the message. It seems she has noticed that I've gone.

Liv, where are you? Matt is downstairs now. Ellen said she saw you leave. Come back here xx

I didn't reply but before I put my phone in the bag I check the time. 20:38

It makes me feel a little better that I know that she cares about me but to be honest I don't know how to react. It's not really something I'm used to. Someone caring that is.

The feeling is weird because I'm not heartbroken; I just feel what I would describe as numb. I don't know what will stop this feeling. Is it just something that will go away once I've slept or is this going to take awhile? My sister is seen with a different boy each week, she'd know how to help but how could I go to her?

After ten minutes of staring at everything around me, I feel the wind pick up and I never thought of bringing a jacket or anything to go with my outfit. That's probably the sign that I should go home and tuck myself straight into bed. I slowly lift myself of the swing, secure my bag strap on my shoulder and go out through the gate of the park.