You are sick. Sick of everyone around, sick of yourself, sick of the fake sympathy towards the “sadness” that you are feeling. What you want to know is how they can be sympathetic towards your sadness when they don’t even know what it is. You told them you are just tired. After all they are the ones who call self harmers “weak”. Truth is self harmers aren’t weak. We’ve just been strong for far to long and need release.
If depression is walking into the ocean, add a blindfold to that picture, as far as you can go. You don’t know where you’re going you just know you’re going deeper. You can’t stop, always moving deeper. You need a breath of air you need release. Well what is cutting? Cutting is your release. When you’re buried and need a break, cutting (or any type of self harm) is your release. That’s why you self harm.
You aren’t always sad. You can laugh and joke with your friends, but sometimes when you are alone you forget how to feel. You even to some extent feel dead. Numb. When you self harm you know for sure that you are alive, that you are capable of feeling, that keeps you hanging on for another day.
Most people think you are perfectly fine. What would they think if they found out you killed yourself? Maybe they would wonder if it was their fault for not noticing that you were hurting.
You are so sorry that you can’t seem to trust anyone enough. It feels like they just don’t care what is going on. There is that one person but you’ve never asked what their opinion on self harm was. What if they hate you when they find out what you do to yourself? You couldn’t stand one more denial. Three in three years is plenty.
They are so perfect, it seems compared to you. Skinnier, prettier, longer hair, a cuter nose, just everything about them is so much better than everything about you.
You can’t fall asleep at night, you just lay there. Thinking. Trouble is the only thing you can think about is how killing yourself would be best for everyone. So why don’t you? You don’t know but something keeps you hanging on.
You’ve memorized the places on your wrist that mean going to the hospital. The places that will kill you, the places that bleed a lot but are fine the next day, you cut everyday you should know, all you seem to be able to do is cut.
You feel like such a failure, it seems that even your cuts aren’t as good as the other people’s cuts. So you cut deeper, and deeper. You attempted suicide the other night. And failed. Your parents still don’t know, you took care of your injuries from jumping off of the roof by yourself. You barely had a single bruise. How? It was a good thirty five feet. Maybe there is a God who cares about you? You kind of believe that God might be real, but He is supposed to have the desires of your heart. Well you really want to die.
When they ask why you do this to yourself and you answer. “Because I deserve it.”
Authors Note:
Hey guys!!!!! I am so excited because I found out that A Time For You is #60 Non-Fiction and #307 Other!!!!!!! I just wanted to say thanksJ you guys are so so awesome!
With love,
Ashley
