Thoughts

a p p r e c i a t e

I never appreciated him. Our long walks. Our long talks. I never appreciated his joy. Sweetness. Attitude. I miss his laughter. The ripples of emotion clear on his face. He was pure. Is it wrong to miss someone who no longer exists? I guess I'll never know. He departed last year, in January. Left without a word, but a trail of tears and anger were scattered everywhere. He'll never know that I still love him. That I memorized his existence. His soul. He'll never know that I still remember the swirls of color in his eyes. Or the pattern of his frown lines when he smiled. The way his freckles became constellations. He'll never know that I appreciate us. I said that I loved him four years ago. Naturally, he asked, "How much?" Being the dumb idiot I was (& still am), I responded "To the ends of the universe and around an infinite amount of times." We smiled and left it at that. A few weeks ago, I told myself "That trip has now ended." I went to the ends of the universe that existed in my mind and nagged at it. I yelled and screamed obscenities. I asked why I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him. It responded back that maybe he isn't supposed to be my forever, and maybe only my "what if". After accepting my reality, I crossed it an infinite amount of times, and came back to the planet. To the next person who will become his lover and friend, pay attention to my words. Love him, cherish him. Appreciate the cookies that he'll give you at 10 in the morning. Appreciate Tootsie Rolls. Appreciate the way he laughs. Appreciate his smile. Appreciate the way he loves you and yells it to the world. Appreciate his loyalty. Appreciate his entire being. Take care of him for me, I beg of you. My time here is done. Goodbye, my old friend.
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a.n.: i wrote this roughly over 3 years ago, back when i still liked a boy that broke my heart. i romanticized the pain i was going through and wished him luck because i thought that it would bring him back to me. now, after another relationship, i want to say fuck you to the guy i wrote this about. he was a dick that took advantage of my heart and love for him. i decided to publish this to remind myself of my journey but i don't want anyone thinking that i'm still a lovesick kid that's also stupid. thanks for your time :)