Toad's Party

Chapter 5: Toad Comes to Terms with his Existence

Toad woke up duct-taped to a tree in the backyard. He was scared and confused.

Twenty minutes passed before he struggled his way out of his binds and tore the tape off of his body. He had a blinding headache and could barely think. Still confused about how he had ended up in this situation, he pushed open the broken screen door to his house and wandered inside.

Princess Daisy was passed out on the floor of the kitchen with ten plastic cups taped to her face. Mario was next to her, cold spaghetti spilling out of his overall pockets. Toadette was propped against a cabinet and was cradling Princess Peach's head in her arms. Luigi was nowhere to be seen. The house was in shambles, but Toad was way too hungover to care.

Every room in the house had a similar scene. Various Toad Town residents that Toad vaguely recognized were sprawled out on every surface, passed out. Toad found that half of his Amiibos were mysteriously missing. He started freaking out until he found the missing ones stuffed into a Prince Peasley dakimakura that was being cradled by Luigi, who, as it turned out, was sleeping in Toad's closet with a fallen Monopoly board covering his face.

Toad finally came upon the living room, which was in even poorer condition than usual. There were several Toads passed out on the floor, as was the norm at this point. Everything was normal, except for the fact that one figure stood silhouetted in the light of the window, their back to Toad.

"Mom?" Toad called out.

The figure turned. It was a Toad. Probably. The combined effects of whatever drug Toad had accidentally inhaled last night and his general poor vision kept the figure's features obscured.

"Oh, Toad! I've been expected you, young man." The person said in a stereotypical British accent.

"Are you Winston Churchill?" Toad asked, swaying to the side. "Am I dead?"

"Uh...no..."

"Yo, I bet I can guess who you are. I can guess. I can guess who you are. Gimme some hints, my guy."

"This is silly. Here, I'll just tell you-"

"Fuck. Oh my god. Did you even hear what I was saying. I literally told you, I said, I said, gimme some hints. Dude, listen. Give me hints. I need them. I need the hints. Inject those hints into my bloodstream."

"Ugh. Fine. I assist Princess Toadstool in her day-to-day duties and I keep watch over her so no harm may come to her. Is that good enough?"

"Damn. You do a pretty shit job of keeping watch over her then." Toad gagged. He bent over to throw up, but nothing happened. "LORD JESUS END MY SUFFERING."

The Toad stood there, not really sure what to do. On one hand, he could help the young man in front of him, who appeared to be having serious problems. On the other he could beat him up with a cane for insulting his princess-watching skills. Or, you know, just stand there awkwardly and watch some kid gag over a carpet.

"Okay...uh...are you...Rawk Hawk?" Toad suddenly got up and almost smashed his head on a lamp. "HOLY FUCK RAWK HAWK HAVE MY CHILDREN."

"Who in God's name – you know what, never mind. I was just going to tell you that I was the one who summoned Archibald the demon to protect your party from Lord Bowser's clutches. I say! The youth these days don't know how to be respectful towards their elders. My name is Toadsworth, by the way. Not Rock Brock or whatever you said. You invited me to your party yesterday and I regretfully couldn't attend because I made a previous engagement to attend Bingo Night at the castle."

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Are you Fawful? Are you? Are you Fawful? Dude, pleeease get your ass in Mariokart please please please I'm begging you I need to destroy my friends as Fawful. I need to. Please. Please, Fawful. Make love to me. Oh my god, dude, please. Please. You're such a sexy green bean, man, I love green beans. Make green beans with me, man. No homo."

"PLEASE STOP TALKING." Toadsworth raised his voice. "You ruffian – I'm leaving."

Toad grabbed Toadworth's shoulders. "GREEN BEAN MAN, MAKE SPAGHETTI TO ME."

"Get OFF GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF!" Toadworth wiggled violently, but could not escape Toad's clutches.

"GEE, IT'S NICE OF THE PRINCESS TO INVITE US OVER, GAY LUIGI? I HOPE SHE MADE LOTS OF SPAGHETTI!" Toad began eating Toadsworth's vest.

"Wha – GET OFF! NO NO NO NO NO! THAT'S MY FAVORITE VEST! MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE! A GUCCI CLASSIC! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT..."

Suddenly, Toad stopped chewing on the vest and dropped to the floor with a blank expression. "Wait...you summoned Archibald to protect the party, right? He was the old man that kept forcing me to continue the party."

"Yes!" Toadsworth exclaimed. "Yes, I did! I'm glad you finally got that through your head!"

"And Bowser only came to destroy us because we prank called him."

"Well...yes..."

"But if we didn't have the party, we would have never made the call, and Bowser would have never come. So summoning the demon was pointless. Like...how did you summon the demon? What did you even sacrifice to him?"

"Um...I may have sacrificed Master Luigi's first born child to Satan." Toadsworth admitted.

Silence.

"Shit."