Slipping Away

Chapter 13

The doctors and nurses seemed to watch me even closer than usual after that day, like they expected something to happen to me. I didn't pay much attention. It was like I was on a different planet. I could still hear everything, I could still feel the physical pain, but my whole mind was numb with the fog of despair and the deepest unhappiness that I have ever known. Liam didn't go home for about four days, he just stayed by my bedside, singing and reassuring me that he was there. I was glad for it. Although I payed little or no attention to him, it was reassuring to know there was someone there. It was hard, having all of those feelings and questions and not being able to tell anyone and let it out. Instead I had to bottle it up. I tried to get over it, distract myself from it, but none of my plans worked. I spent a lot of my time dozing, but my sleep was dotted with violent nightmares. It was horrible. Grief overtook my thoughts. I no longer cared about what happened to me. All I wanted to do was to get away from this horrible feeling. The doctors sent a counsellor to come and see me, but all that did was annoy me. I knew I just needed time, like Liam had when his dad died.

I reached the tenth week, but it didn't mean much. My grief was starting to lessen, but not much. My parents’ funeral came and went, and I wasn't there. Liam went for me. He told me about it when he got back. In a weird way, it helped, known that they were at peace. My grief grew fainter and fainter until it was just a small pang that appeared if I thought about them. They were at peace now. No more anger or pain. Just peace.

It was the 1st of November when Liam came in and told me that it was snowing outside. Apparently the whole country was having snowstorms and ice. School was closed and everyone was going sledging and ice skating. I expected Liam to be doing that as well, but he wasn't. Instead he chose to sit with me and tell me about everything that was happening: how his little brother got snow stuck in his ear, how his sisters built a snowman that was supposed to look like a Barbie but instead ended up as a huge blob and how his mum made special hot chocolate with marshmallows and said that she wished I could have been there. It was so hard, knowing that everybody else was doing such fun things, playing in the snow and drinking hot chocolate, whilst I was there lying in a bed unconscious. I wished more than ever that my eyes would magically spring open there and then and I would wake up. But of course, nothing of the sort occurred; all that happened was that my heart rate machine beeped particularly loudly and then had a random beeping fit, and the nurse had to press all of the buttons before it would shut up. Liam suppressed a giggle. His laugh was so lovely: an expression of pure delight that cheered everyone in the vicinity. My heart ached to see him. He bought me a scarf that his mum had knitted for me. He said that it was pink and white stripy. He rubbed it against my hand and it felt so soft and warm. He also bought me a radio so I could listen to music and the news. He turned it on, only for it to make a loud buzzing noise and then start talking in a random language. After a long time trying to adjust the buttons, Liam managed to turn it to a decent radio station, where they were just reading the news. There was all the boring but about economic crisis and benefits cuts, and then something about a protest in New York. None of it was very interesting.   I made a promise to myself that I would wake up  in time for Christmas. I couldn't bear it if Liam spent Christmas worrying about me.