666 Feet Under

Foreword From A Dead-Ass White Girl

     Now, I know what you're thinking. 'You kiss your mother with that mouth?' I don't know. Ask your mom. Nah, I'm just kidding. Yeah, I know, dead. Kind of crazy, isn't it? One moment, you're cruising down the road on your bike, lovin' life, and the next minute, you're as flat as Kansas on the side of the road.

     Don't drink and drive, kiddos.

     Obviously, I didn't get into Heaven. Obviously. Turns out, the ass canoes that run the "front desk" do a divine background check for Heaven tryouts. And, believe it or not, I didn't make the team. Maybe it was because of my blatant atheism, or my raging lesbian hormones. Seriously, there's so many damn things that'll put you on the Hell school bus, I'm amazed people actually get into Heaven. But then again, if anywhere on that life resume, it says that you're religious; well, then, fuck it. Doesn't matter if you're a murderer or a rapist or a pedophile or a Directioner. If it says you have a boner for Jesus, you're in. Those folks down at the Heavenly headquarters absolutely wet themselves over the self-righteous religious bullshitters.

     Taking into consideration that the majority of the world believes in God (and that's God, singular and proper), that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for other folks in Heaven. But, Hannah, what about the gays and the atheists and the Muslims and the Buddhists and literally everyone else besides the goddamn Christians? (Seriously, Christians, it's kind of a dick move to make an afterlife paradise club and only let your own kind join). But don't worry, that's where the highway to Hell comes in. Well, actually, it's really more of a county road. But highway has a way better ring to it, so we'll just go with that.

     You may think that that's the end of it. The rest of us all go to Hell, where we suck Satan's dick whilst simultaneously roasting for all eternity for our "sins". But then this would be the world's shortest book, and after all, that header up there in the Helvetica font says 'Foreword.'

     So, let's talk about Hell.

     Oh, and uh, if you couldn't tell, this isn't a good book for whippersnappers under...let's say...ah, screw it, I was swearing at fourteen. Let's say fourteen. Don't read this if you're under fourteen. Or easily offended. Or under fourteen and easily offended. Fuck it, I'm a fictional character. Just sue the real author if this pisses you off. Or make a Facebook hate page. That's a great way to show off your ego. Okay, I think that's it for the disclaimer.

Let's do this thing.