Make You Believe [Jerrie]

Chapter 12

"I just think I deserve to know how you're doing, rather than having to read all the rag mags about you".

Jade covers her eyes with a clammy hand and thuds her head back against the bathroom door. This is the third text she's gotten, and she's taken to reading them in private, so as not to cause suspicion. Each one gets more and more personal, more and more scary. But Jade shoves her fear down and closes off her brain, doing her best to calm herself. She repeats Perrie's coachings to herself, muttering "it's okay, you're safe darling, everything's alright" under her breath. She manages to breathe evenly and relax for the most part, other than the terror still tingling in her stomach.

She sighs heavily and listens to the sounds of the girls laughing in the hallway. They're at another nameless radio station, busy doing promo, and Jade's finding it harder and harder to focus on interviews, skin crawling when the cameras focus on her. But she has to push through it, can't let the others down. So she tries her best.

She hauls herself up off the floor and tucks her phone into her pocket, before splashing some water on her face. She's not even sure what she's doing anymore, keeping this hidden, her little secret. It feels wrong to lie to Perrie, and the others as well, but she can't just tell them. She can't.

And that's still because she doesn't want to cause them stress, yes, but maybe it's also because Jade thinks she deserves it. Maybe. It's just. It's whatever.

She rubs her eyes and exits the loo, finding the others in the middle of a playful argument about which James Bond was better. Jade rolls her eyes and fits herself to Perrie's side as she always does, and her girlfriend wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her close with a kiss to her hair. Jade feels herself melting into it, thoughts of her dad fading.

"You alright, babe?" Perrie murmurs in her ear, thumb stroking her hip.

Jade nods and forces a grin, pecking her on the cheek. "M'fine. Just tired."

"Aren't we all." Jesy grumbles, and that changes the subject just enough.

Jade bites her lip and wonders if there'll be another text, knowing that regardless, it's going to be a long day.

*

Her father doesn't invade every thought Jade has, thankfully. She can forget about him most of the time, happy when she's snuggled in Perrie's arms, or joking around with her girls. She really is alright. Mostly.

Days go by and Jade falls into a sort of pattern. She checks her phone regularly, and whenever she sees a new text from an unknown number, she skitters off to find some privacy, reads it, and tries to stop her panic. There's messages like "I just miss you, Jade" and others like "I'd really like if you'd reply, you're being rather rude". Jade tries her best not to feel guilty, she really does, but she's programmed to want to please her father, scared of consequences, and she bites back tears at the thought of him being angry.

And yet she keeps forcing herself into a state of semi-calm, mumbling Perrie's words, you're fine, you're safe, everything's okay sweetheart. She'll count her breaths and remind herself that she needs to sort herself out so she can go back out there and be Jade Thirlwall of Little Mix and that's more important than pleasing her father.

And then she'll wet her face, wiping the water and any tears mixed in off with her sleeve, and steel herself for whatever she needs to go do.

And she's okay. She is. Except not really.

*

But she copes the best she can and kisses Perrie when she gets shaky and goes to Jesy when she needs reassurance. She won't tell her, obviously, but the girl seems to sense she needs some normality and she's happy to give it to her. Jade just needs a distraction, that's all.