excerpts from the novel ill never write

6/18/15 1:02 AM

I've been finding myself thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking about the beautiful ocean landscapes that I saw in your eyes. I've been thinking about the small freckles I saw on your skin. Ive been thinking about the way your body tensed when someone mentioned that you loved me. the twitch in your eye because you seemed too embarrassed to admit it. I remember the burning feeling on my skin when you touched me, or the spark I felt when you kissed my plump lips for the first time that one August night. I remember how you gazed into my eyes, and I felt it. I felt the love in the air. the oxygen between us was so thick from the substance I could hardly breathe it in. the thought of us being in love scared the living shit out of me. I guess that's why I found myself distancing myself away from you. I was too terrified to love anyone because, I didn't know how. I was terrified that one person could affect my life in such a small way. the way one person could make me feel like an all powerful goddess one minute, than make me feel like the jigsaw puzzle that has been sitting in the back of my closet, left untouched, for seven years. but,  the thing that terrified me the most was how much I loved you. how much I loved the scent on your clothes. how much I loved the veins in your arms.  how much I loved your cold finger tips. how much I loved your big bug eyes. I loved you with everything I had in my tiny fragile body. and as I sit here drinking water from 4 nights ago, listening to the songs that we used to sing along to on the radio in your old , busted up car,  I think why did I ever let you go? why did I let the best thing that has ever happened to me slip out of my soft fingers like sand? why did I run from you? why did I lock myself away from you? why did I ignore your texts? i keep asking myself the same things ever night and I still cannot answer them. and I ponder to myself why did I detach myself from my life support? or why did I force my sun set? everything in this life is so uninteresting without your glowing skin, your ice blue eyes, your puffy pink lips, and your soft dirty blonde hair. please come back to me dear boy. please recognize my suffering and, help me get back to my old lively self.