excerpts from the novel ill never write

blue

blue. it was the shade on your well rounded lips in late December. It was the color of the shirt i was wearing when my heart sank to my chest because you were leaning in to kiss me. It was the color of your socks you were wearing with your ripped at the seams converse when you knocked at my door to say your apologies because i would not answer your texts. it was the color of your damn bed sheets the night i slept over when your parents were on a business trip. it was the denim jacket i would always borrow.  it was the color of my chipped nail polish when we first intertwined hands. It was the color of your oversized hoodie the day you told me you no longer loved me. it was the color that has somehow matched my constant state of sadness and the feelings of being numb as well. It is the color that i had painted my walls and used in my pens to some how surround myself with more of you even though my brain always reminded me you were never coming back. It is the color of the sky that always reminds me of your damn eyes. It is the the shades of cool that i always buy because its the only color that matters anymore. It is the color i use to someone how ignore my racing thoughts. it is the color i blind myself with so i dont have to face the heart wrenching reality of your absence. because everything in a shade of blue correlates to your pretty face and i just cant handle that without coming to realize that you are fucking gone.