Dear Diary.

November 6, 2013

i envy the people who have committed suicide, because they had the courage to do it.

so there's a boy, a grade higher than me. I don't have any classes with him, but we have the same lunch period. he doesn't talk to me but I see him looking at me all the time. is it because he likes me or because he's trying to see if he knows me at all? his name is *name changed* Erick. he is absolutely perfect. I don't think about him when I see Erick. it's unhealthy to be like me, thinking you love one boy, liking another, and then seeing this boy, who you've never talked to, and thinking he's perfect. i don't know why, and I wish I did. why do I not know how I feel about him, why does

*name changed* Carl not seem to like me anymore (after he told me I was his first choice and staying up on the phone so late we fall asleep), and why do I think Erick is so perfect. I'm quick to judge someone, and I know I am. once I get to know a person, though, my opinion always changes. I always thought he was crazy and just a full on maniac. as I got to know him I found out he was sweet and funny and really nice and he made me feel happy and feel good about myself. he made me feel like I could tell him anything. as I got to know him more, more recently actually, I found out he isn't like that at all. he plays girls, uses them for his own pleasure. he made me feel good about myself, and I thought I could trust him. he led me on, and because I still think I like him, I told him I didn't care, that it was okay for him to play with my emotions and walk all over them. with Carl, I just kinda fell into his 'I like you talk to me' group. he said I was his first choice, and I was stupid enough to believe him. I told him a lot too, and now I'm pretty sure he hates me. I don't even know anything about Erick, but I already like him. I fall too fast. and I know I do. I fell way to fast with him. and now I don't even exist to him. i want, so badly for something to happen between me and Erick. I think I'm just tired of being alone, and that's why I keep falling too fast. I see everyone else, happy and dating and kissing, and I'm just over in the corner, all alone, with no one to be happy with. anyone can say, just go talk to him or just say hi, but I couldn't actually do it. I'm too shy. I need THEM to make the first move. I'm too awkward to try anything first. I can't tell someone how I fell. I feel like if I tried, I would just get laughed at and that's one of my biggest fears. as awkward and shy as I am, I couldn't handle rejection with a group of people around. I need people, and if they're too busy laughing at me, who will I have anymore? i just, I don't even know what I want and what I need anymore. I want him and Erick and Carl to all feel the same way I feel about them, but I also want just one and I want to be in a relationship but I also want to sleep around and be a whore. that's another thing. I want to have sex with him but not necessarily a relationship. I know, from having talked to him on and off for almost a year, that even if he has a girlfriend, he still talks to other girls, and I don't want to set myself up for that kind of pain. I just need Erick to do something.

-morgan