I Matter

Seeing Blind

This is the story of KeSyia, our Admin's life with Dissociative disorder!

Reality...

It's something I can never quite put my finger on anymore. It's just a word right? And all words have a meaning...

So then what's the meaning of life? Well that's one that can't have a certain definition, just like me.

I'm KeSyia! I take satisfaction in knowing that I live a fulfilling life! But one things missing, reality!

You see, three years ago I went to sleep with a vivid nightmare, but when I woke up, nothing was the vivid at all?!

Of course there were still the sheets fumbled across my bed, and the freezing room, despite always waking up in heat, even the familiar glow of the moon coming from my window...But it didn't feel real!

I stayed up that night, staring at the  ceiling, wondering why even the bits of indents I could see in the dark on the roof, looked so fake! Little did I know that the nightmare, was the start a of a living one!

13, was the year of a lifetime! I woke up every day in repetition! And on the bus I sat staring out the window with blurry eyes, just wondering why the billboards and restaurants and cars that passed by, were somehow formatted to a 2d image.

The people I would talk to in school, I would look at their eyes and see a picture. It was like the motions of everyone passing me by and tumbling down the stairs were like a moving photograph!

I could be in a crowd of people, and feel like the loneliest person ever; a lost soul in a living painting.

These never-ending trains of thoughts, lead me to a deeper understanding of life. I felt alone yet isolated. Everything was edible but not edible. In my mind everything was negative but I was quick to change that.

I lost my way so much! Even my interactions with friends and family sort of diminished in its meaning to me. I thought, "Whats the point of talking to someone that isn't real to you? Its like talking to paper!"

It got to the point where I would look at intricate designs and the leaves on trees, but I wouldn't see the details. It was as if my mind had claimed shapes weren't even important anymore and had squished everything together! The figures and beauty of every imperfectly perfect thing was gone to me.

Imagine, staring at a beautiful sunset, it's hues of golden and rose red's pulling you in a trace, so gorgeous you could paint it! So you painted it...my eyes would be the canvas!

Or watching a movie, with a jumble of cars and people passing by in a blur, off to life and moving on...my eyes would be the screen!

I became numb, no feelings of sincerity or compassion would I feel. I thought I might as well just get on a UFO already! Every body language or expression I made, felt recorded. I would analyze my actions as if I was the person who I was talking too.

I was always an outsider, in literal terms: Always outside my body!

But you'd call me crazy...

I still kept a positive outlook on life! Yes, I had a million meltdowns if not more, but after every single one, no matter what, I got up and spoke wisdom to myself! I found the incredible side of it!

I learned the hard way, the thing that all these celebrities can tell you, but don't really mean it: Life isn't about those materialistic things. It will soon become useless, cause it will fade just like everything else. When you see the world as unreal it's meaning will crumble like paper, it's satisfaction will burn like paper, cause to me...the world felt, paper!

July 30, 16, I turned 14, still with the condition but I won't let it stop me! Last year was the past, one that I will never forget, one that I lived through! Maybe these words won't describe just how horrifying it was, but who I am today will show you just how amazing these struggles made me!

Matter, has a big place in my heart, it's what I want to do when I grow up: Be a Motivational speaker and make the world a better place!

It's what many attempt or think of or do, but I'll go to the end of the world and back, to just prove to you guys how amazing you are!

We can overcome anything, nothing last forever! I know this and I never doubted myself on the fact that trying to save the world and others is important!

We can ALL do it, one step at a time! But first comes you! Don't let society define you, or the words that others speak, live like it's your last!

That's what I'm doing, and let me tell you...it's the cure that makes me feel, alive! Something that can be so hard to grasp, so I'll keep reaching!

And with that, I leave you with one of my quotes-

"It's a beautiful thing, living a nightmare."

Your family and loyal friend, KeSpiration- Matter