The Hooded Hijabi

Azan's Past

"Wow, that escalated quickly.", Azan chuckles.

His smile fades eventually and suddenly he seems doleful. "I believe everyone has a secret. A past. So do I. But if we're going to be together then you have every right to know everything about me. But before I tell you anything, I want you to know that I am not the man I once was", he begins and then pauses to say,"Alhamdulillah."

He closes his eyes, deep in thought as if reminiscing about his past life. He then continues,"I am ashamed of who I was. I began to hate myself so much that I prayed for my own death. I wanted to die."

"This person you see sitting in front of you right now is the total opposite of who I once was. The men you once saw me with outside my place were my friends back in the days", he winces at the thought of being friends with those gangsters.

"We used to hang out in the streets, racing cars, street fighting, partying...", he stops and sighs.

"My life was a mess. I didn't get along my family. I wasn't focusing on anything in my life. I just wanted to waste it away. I had no purpose...until one day my whole life took a 180 degrees turn."

"I was fighting a few rivals alongside my peers two and a half years ago. Things got out of control. I almost killed a guy with a rear naked choke. He was right there in my arms...as he struggled to breathe", Azan breathes deeply as he tries to continue,"I had applied more pressure than I should have and it ended up being a blood choke."

"He fell unconscious right away so we rushed him to the hospital but the damage was done. That man suffered brain damage just because I couldn't suppress my anger",Azan presses his temples with his fingers as if his head hurt from remembering the incident.

"My martial arts master always taught me to keep my emotions in check. I guess, he knew me. He was scared and so he had refused to teach me any further", his voice quivers as he speaks.

"I still think about Freddy, the guy I almost robbed of life. He's almost recovered now but I can never forgive myself. Ever", he covers his face with his hands and heaves a sigh.
I could have never imagined that a seemingly perfect guy like himself would have had made such a huge mistake in his life. The man that has tenderness and affection etched in his personality could have the ability to ruin someone's life.

But I could not hate him. Or judge him. The pain in his eyes is so clearly visible that I know he hates himself for what he did.

I want to help him. I want to reach my hand out to him. I want to tell him that he can forgive himself one day.

We sit there, not moving or making a sound for about two minutes when I finally speak,"Did he forgive you?"

Azan looks up at me and frowns.

"Freddy. Did he forgive you?", I ask.

"I don't know. I never had the courage to see him again", he replies, his eyes heavy.

"You what? But why? I know you were afraid but you can't run away from your responsibilities. Freddy was your responsibility and you should have checked up on him yourself. Apologise to him even if you're afraid of facing him. That's the least you can do for him. Give him the apology he deserves", I say a little louder than I intended.

Azan looks at me as if I had hit him hard in the face. A moment later he lowers his head and puffs air our of his nose as his lips form a smile.

"Where were you all this time?", I hear him mutter.

Blood rushes to my cheeks and I feel them getting warmer. I clear my throat and ask,"So are you going?"

"I still don't have the guts to see him. Or his family. But you're right. I must take responsibility. I just wish I could do something for him", he replies.