Queen Kemp

Her Majesties Lover

Of course being Queen isn't all that easy and for the next 2 week's Her Majesty was very busy and sadly didn't have time to see the execution of the Cardinal.

"Such a pity" Queen Kier tutted.

The Queen was also greatly saddened by the fact that he couldn't see his husband at the moment. Laurence was busy over seas in the Keveridge Mountans so all Kier got were lovingly written letters from his Prince.

"You have another letter Your Majesty" Butler no24 produced a pristine envelope on a plump red cushion.

"Take it to the drawing room. I shall read it their" Kier commanded before picking up his robes and walking towards the grand staircase, with butler no3 and butler no17 carrying his train of garments behind.

Once Kier sat down to read and ordered everyone to leave he then carefully opened the letter and absorbed himself in all the marvelous stories Laurence had to tell.

My Dearest Queen

Today I set off with Obama into the jungle. We had completed all our work and you'll be pleased to hear (or rather read) that everything is under control and has been sorted out.

So today was our free day to spend some quality time exploring this beautiful place. We decided to head up and try and catch a glimpse of some Pandas, which I'm delighted to tell you we managed to see. They're such charming and magnificent creatures. The President said for some odd reason they resemble me.
It helped me regain my motivation to rule this nation alongside you my Queen. I heard about the Cardinal by the way. What a clot.

I also had some time to write my book. It's very exciting. The Cardinal gave me some inspiration for a character named after him. Though I don't know what to call the city. I was thinking Grumpamoania, Grannyhosea or Grandomina. Please write back what you think is best, I'm really having great difficulty deciding.

Her Majesty stopped for a second as some gimpish thing came in declaring Kier looks at some urgent message about our trading situation.

"Shut up I'm reading" Her Majesty said before returning to the letter. Some people needed to get their priorities straight tutted Kier.

He was just about to continue again when a flustered Shane came into the room.

"Mum?"

"What?"

"I need to tell you something..... Important" Shane gulped nervously.

"What?"

Shane paused, closed his eyes then took a very deep breath that filled his lungs so much he became a melon.
".... I'm..... I'm..."

"What?"

"I'm engaged to Drew!"

"WHAT?!?!"

"Sorry..... It happened so fast but I love him and he loves me and we're meant to be-"

"BUT I HAVN'T EVEN MET HIM!?!?!?" Kier flung out his seat and just about scared the living daylights out of Shane as Kier screeched. "HE'S A FLIPPING WORKING CLASS NO GOOD TWIT! HE PROBABLY LIVES WITH SCUM! HE DOESN'T KNOW THE FIRST BLOODY THING ABOUT ROYALTY! WHAT IF HE EATS LIKE A PIG, WEARS TACKY CLOTHES, IS IMPOLITE?! THE PUBLIC WILL MAKE A LAUGHING STOCK OUT OF US! HE COULD TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT!! ONLY WANT YOU FOR OUR WEALTH!! HE MIGHT GIVE US UGLY GRANDCHILDREN!! HE COULD BE A SPY!! HOW DARE YOU BRING SOME FILTHY CREATURE! SOME SLUT INTO OUR FAMILY! YOU'RE SOOOO GROUNDED!!!"

"Calm your tits mum"

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!"

"If the public heard this right now they'd hate you"

"No they'd hate you!! What does this prat like anyway? He better be interesting, and attractive! Like I've said before I'm not going to tolerate ugly gran kids!"

"Oh I can assure you he will produce top class babies. But the things he likes are comics and Star Wars-"

"God save us" Kier crumpled into the floor like the witch from the wizard of Oz.

Servant no30 walked past and gave them both a weird look before carrying on by rolling her eyes. They were used to this.

"That's not how the song goes"

"Give me strength"

"I'll let that news sink in. Bye Mum!"

Kier wanted to kill Shane... And Drew. But there was nothing he could do. Unless he changed the law? But then they'd run away together. Oh fudge it huffed Kier. It's their problem not his.

So Kier sat back down and as soon as he saw his husbands fancy writing instantly relaxed into a happy state of mind and continued reading....

Before I finish my letter I have one more story to tell. Nicky came in when we were all having afternoon tea. She came in wearing all her over the top Scottish Independence gear, (the darling was so happy to be in her blue and white dress again after the EU devorce) She also brought out a film for us to watch. Not the usual Kings Speech, Disney Princess stuff but instead an old 50s film called Fearless Vampire Killers. Nigel said it'd make a great band name. Fancie being in a band called that my dear? Maybe in another life that might've been us. What a thought! Imagine that happening! Geez.

So I now close my letter with as much love and tenderness as there's always been. Give my best to our strange quiet son who I know you know I worry about and the rest of the Royal Club. Also hope Shane's finally off that thing of his. What's it? A violen without the bow? Anyway once again I say farewell.

All my Love
Your Prince

XOXOXOXO