Do You Remember?

Daddy, do you remember all the times you'd throw me up and catch me in your strong arms, and the whole time we'd be laughing? Do you remember when we'd stand outside during storms just to watch the lightning? Do you remember anything?

There was a time I was proud to call you my dad. A time when I wanted to be just like you. But now, I'm afraid of becoming the person you've become. Now, I mourn the memory of a man who still lives but has also died. Now I look in the mirror, afraid of who I might see. For you've become a creature of rage. You've started blaming my mom, the woman with whom I was forged, for all the bad things you've done over the years. She isn't the reason for you to have to rely on drugs to "feel better". That's just your mind lying to you. If you want to blame someone, blame me. You even told me I was the only reason you've stayed with my mom. If I hadn't been born, then maybe you wouldn't have thrown yourself into such a deep hole.

Dad, do you remember how you used to tell me I could do anything if I put my mind to it? Well, now I can't put my mind to anything. I'm constantly worrying about mom, my brothers, my grandmother. I'm constantly trying to find a reason for the person you've become. I'm trying to search for a man who doesn't want to be found. I'm trying to find a ghost.

Do you remember how you would tell stories about your childhood, and how you never wanted us to live as hard a life as you? Well, now I am. Now, I'm constantly worrying about if either you or my mom is in the hospital right now because of stress, when I should be worrying about my grades. You used to tell me I'm a genius, but if I'm such a genius, then how come I can't find an answer to this question: father, do you remember me? Do you remember when my smile was real? Well, now I'm always wearing a mask, like a clown wearing makeup and acting-a-fool. That's all it is; just an act.

I no longer feel warmth when you embrace me. I no longer feel strength in the arms that used to catch me. But daddy, I still remember you....