I'm Pregnant {Riley Matthews}

2/I Hate Myself

"Riley, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Maya yelled. "You've been acting weird all day!" 

"My, my head hurts a lot. I feel really bad. I think I should just go home." I said, wiping away my tears. 

"Are you sure?" Maya asked, patting my shoulder. "I can't survive without you, but I don't want to be selfish." 

"Maya, I promise I'll come to school tomorrow." I said. "I better go." I stood up and left the lunch room. Once I got to my locker to grab my backpack, I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Lucas. 

"Riley, what is wrong?" he asked. "Maya sent me. She knows your lying. What is going on?" 

"Lucas, I'm fine." I lied. "Please, just let me leave." 

"You're not fine." he said. "Why won't you talk to Maya?" 

"Stay out of my business, Lucas!" I grabbed my backpack and pushed Lucas out of my way. I then ran out of the school building. Once I was outside, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my mom. 

"Riley?" 

"Yeah, it's me." I said. 

"I'm busy right now, what is it?" 

"Mom, I'm sick, I'm going home now." 

"Alright, I'll be home soon, honey." I then walked home. 

*20 minutes later* 

Once I got home I jumped on my bed and began to cry. What was supossed to do? I sat up and grabbed at notepad. I wanted to write somethings down. 

When I did it: March 12th. 

Who I needed to tell: Maya, My Parents, The Father. 

I also needed to go to the doctor, but I think I would do that with my parents. Once I told them, I mean.

I then went to the medicine cabinet. I took some advil and then puked in the sick. I still had to wait one hour to take the tums and nausea relief pills. Then I remembered, there was puke all over my mirror. I washed the puke in the sink and then I cleaned my mirror. 

The whole house smelled like puke. I was so hungry. I wanted popcorn, french toast crunch cereal, a vanilla milkshake and candy apples. 

I poured a bowl of cereal and popped some popcorn. I was already having weird cravings. I then jumped onto the couch and I looked at myself in the TV screen. How could I be enjoying this? How could I possibly be happy with myself? I was a horrible person. Having sex at such a young age, when I grew up knowing that wasn't right. And now I have a baby inside of myself that I will be stuck with forever. 

Even if I put them up for adoption, they will be apart of me forever. 

I burst into tears. I curled up into a ball and sobbed into my knees. I grabbed my bowl of Honey Nut Cherrios (we were out of French Toast Crunch) I stuck my face inside. I just wanted to hide from the world until I gave birth. I then lifted my face from the milk and turned on the TV. 

*DING* 

Maya: How r u? We r bout 2 hav science class. Can I come over n 2 hours? 

I looked up at my clock. 1:00. Maya wanted to come over at 3:00 and my mom was coming at 2:00. I was only going to get one hour of privacy and to make up some lies. 

Unless I just told maya I was way too sick. Which, techinally isn't a lie. I felt like I could puke any minute. 

Me: Sure, but not 4 long. I'm really sick. 

Idiot, Riley, idiot! But, whatever. I turned on my favorite movie and started to eat my cereal. 

*2:00* 

The door opened my flustered mother walked inside. My three bowls were stacked on the coffee table, I had some chocolate pudding, and all my glasses were stacked together as well, I had lots of orange juice, gatorade and milkshakes. 

My tums, advil and nausea relief pills laid next to each other, also on the coffee table. 

The trash can leaned against the couch incase I puked and a big water bottle stood on the floor next to it.  

"Riley, are you okay?" my mom asked, hanging up her coat. "I was so worried!" 

"I think I'm just really sick." I lied. "I might have to miss, like two days of school."  She smiled at me and then sat down on the couch, near my feet. 

"Did the medicine make you feel any better?" she asked. 

"Yeah, a little bit. So did the food." I leaned over the trash and puked. It was mostly just from the food, but a tiny bit the pregnancy. 

"Are you drinking lots of water?" 

"Yes." I said, grabbing my bottle and taking a swig. "Maya said she would be coming at 3:00, so I'm going to take a nap before she comes, ok?" 

"Yeah, alright, honey. I think Auggie is going to be staying the night at Doy's house so me and your dad well spend most of the night in our room so you can rest on the couch." She then pulled me in for a hug. 

"Thanks, mom." I said. She pulled from the hug and then kissed me. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too." 

But can you really love someone if you don't love yourself?